She put her arms around me and twisted to the side, so that we were lying on our sides staring into each other’s eyes. “If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken my time with certain things” she said, “It’s okay to just do……other things.” But her talk only made me want to taste that shit – living fast and furious was my motto; why put off until tomorrow what you can most definitely do today? , “I want to” I said to her.
Her expression was enigmatic, “You sure you’re feeling good about this?” she prodded.
“Yes” I maintained.
“Even though you only met me today, and don’t know a thing about me?”
She had a point. What was I doing? “Yes.” My answer was more emphatic than it needed to be. She stared at me for a while, grabbed my chin and kissed me, “Okay” she said simply.
“Okay” I nodded. Now what? I was anxious. I felt like a student bent on taking her exams early. She might yet find out that she was not - in any way at all – precocious. Ari was the sweetest, “Do you know what to do with yourself?” she asked me. I nodded. “Use that” she said, “I promise I will let you know what works for me.”
She had a well-groomed vulva. I guess that such a thing was paramount for lesbians since they were constantly putting their mouths in places. She waxed. But there was also a ‘landing strip’ to confirm she was grown. I noted the effort that went into it, and concluded that she was pedantic enough to ensure that there were no unfortunate discharges while in the trenches. This isn’t so bad, I thought to myself as I settled in between her thighs. You know how it’s often said that the world is your oyster? A saying that speaks of endless possibilities and opportunities; something about the structure of the dish in front of me had me thinking about that saying in that moment – this is your oyster; get to eating it.
And I did.
I actually did.
And I liked it.
So the thing about this act, it creates an almost instant frenzy. And Ari was just……. so easy. She told me she was a quick-comer………..sensitive in all the right and easy to reach places……..but still, I hadn’t expected a reaction quite as enthused as that. It was as rewarding as winning a prize. I don’t think she was faking it, even though she definitely was nice enough to do just that. This was real. I could really feel it. She went on and on……writhing and moaning……and holding on to me, and we were connected. It was empowering for me to make her come like that. A man would never ever give you the satisfaction of watching him disintegrate beneath your touch with such dramatic flair; it’s always over so quickly (like WTF?). Women seemed to be a much more productive investment in that regard: you put in your time; you put in the energy; and you get that beautifully outstanding performance. And everyone is happy! Everyone feels like they did something good – performer and director. I made Ari come. And it was great.
“You’re quick” Ari said to me as soon as she was back on the planet. “And you’re even quicker” I said in reply. I knew she was referring to my ability to grasp cunnilingus but I felt obliged to compliment her willingness to respond. We lay there in silence for a while, absently caressing body parts, and then it occurred to me that I should get us some food. I had been a very poor hostess. Ari stopped me in my tracks when she started to speak.
“I’ve been thinking about changing myself” she said. I didn’t ask what she meant; I simply lay back down and stared into her eyes. “People have always found it hard to figure me out. They think I’m a man, but……not exactly. They think I’m a woman…….but not exactly. I’ve been misidentified for as long as I can remember.” She waited for me to say something.
“Why would you want people to figure you out?” I said in my ignorance, “Why wouldn’t you want to be…….mysterious?”
“Because it’s not called mysterious in anyone’s book” she retorted, “It’s actually called being a freak.”
I took her hand. I appreciated the fact that she was being vulnerable with me; even though I knew that I was ill-equipped to handle it. “I think that people get mean when they are scared or otherwise frustrated” I said to her, “When they cannot define something for themselves, they tend to lash out. It’s ugly, I know. But it’s their problem, not yours. It isn’t your job to help anyone figure you out. It’s your job to live life and be happy for you. You don’t have to strive to fit inside anyone’s box. People have boxes the size of their imagination, and there are some pretty unimaginative people out there. If they can’t figure you out for who you are, they are welcome to own their ineptitude and quit trying. Sometimes it’s just better to look and enjoy rather than try to understand.”
There was that enigmatic look in Ari’s eyes again. “I hear that” she said, “But it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes my life gets genuinely threatened” she paused as she seemed to gather her thoughts. Or maybe it was her composure she was battling to collect. “Those boys at the gas station today……….they wanted to strip me to confirm what I was. They would have if you hadn’t come along.”
I realized in that moment just how much I took for granted in life. The realization did not take me to the cusp of thankfulness for my comparatively lesser struggles, rather, it made me feel outrage. I was angry. It was outrageous that people perceived themselves to have the right to answers when the questions were about somebody else’s life. It was outrageous that people, who couldn’t get over their fears and frustrations over what they couldn’t understand, were allowed to infect the world with intolerance and hatefulness. Why were those vile emotions so acceptable to us as human beings? “They had no right” I said to her. My tone was low; because I knew how irrelevant it was to say that.
I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly. But it was still not enough love to help her exist. It’s not enough love to let her stand in the world just as God had designed her to be. Maybe though, for one night…….on my sofa…….with me.
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