How many are YOU following? I cannot believe that my husband
and I will celebrate our 10th
wedding anniversary in a few
months. It seems like just
yesterday I walked down the
aisle in a beautiful beaded gown and flip flops. And yet, it seems
like decades ago that we were
joined together by God and a
band of white gold. It’s really
surreal stuff. During these fleeting, yet
dragging, years, I’ve discovered
that there are some unspoken
rules of marriage. Want to hear
them? Sure you do. 1. Just nod and agree. You may think that’s the
stupidest idea you’ve ever heard,
but whatevs. Just nod your pretty
little head and hope it works out
for him. 2. Never say, “I told you so.” It didn’t work out, did it? Well,
don’t say a word. Because love. 3. Know when to shut your trap. You may be a very vocal wife,
but know when to keep your lips
zipped. Example: While your man
is assembling your children’s play
set in 102 degree heat, he’ll
probably misplace some nuts, bolts and his sanity. As the
expletives flow from his lips like
water, now is not the time to
ridicule his ridiculous work
method or his lack of using the
instructions. Just take him some sweet tea and stay in the shade. 4. Keep your opinions about his
family to yourself. If you must recite the Serenity
prayer every time you pull into
the in-laws driveway, only do it in
your head. Never speak it in front
of him … while sobbing and
clutching a Rosary. 5. Don’t threaten divorce
everytime something minor
happens. He set his glass on the table
without a coaster, but there’s no
need to draft an itemized list of
what you want in the divorce
(although you’d let him keep the
table with the drink ring). You’re not going anywhere. He’s not
going anywhere. Take the lawyer
off speed-dial. 6. Don’t share intimate stuff with
strangers. Maybe a 30-second commercial
lasted longer than last night’s s*x.
Maybe he got so drunk he peed in
the aquarium. Maybe he lost his
job because of some trumped-up
public indecency charges. There’s no need to put it on
Facebook or tell all of your
friends. Respect your man and
know when to keep private
things, well, private. 7. No cheating (DUH.) You don’t want him petting the
Hooter’s waitress. He doesn’t
want you petting anything. You
know better. Just don’t do it. 8. Never stop celebrating
together. Who cares if you’ve spent the
last two decades of holidays with
the same man? Celebrate them
big each time, as if it were the
first Christmas, first Valentine’s
Day, first birthday. As soon as you stop celebrating together,
sparks start to fizzle. Buy him
some new Ray-Bans, even
though you know he’ll lose them
within a month. Okay, a week. 9. Know the correct answer. He should know how to answer,
“Am I fat?”, and “Is she prettier?”
and “Is my lasagna edible?” And
you should know how to answer,
“Do you mind if I watch football?”
Who cares if you really don’t want to watch football? That man
ate your lasagna last night. Cut
him some slack. 10. Follow the golden rule. It’s quite simple really. Treat him
the way you want to be treated,
and if he’s a good one, he’ll
reciprocate the love and respect.
But no matter how often you hold
in your farts, he’s never going to hold in his. That’s life. That’s
marriage. Accept it. 11. Remember: honeymoons
don’t last forever. They just don’t. Marriage takes a
lot of hard work once the
butterflies die and the excitement
dwindles. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s
an action. And by action, I don’t
mean act all crazy and run away with the UPS guy because your
husband skid marked his undies.
I guarantee the UPS man has a
few marks of his own. It’s a
grass isn’t always greener type
thing, you know? Enjoy your marriage. Enjoy each
other. Enjoy these unspoken
rules. You know they’re true.
