Nigeria Jokes Update With Shaxee

Hahahahaha!! I just can't stop laughing. This is the awkward Truth About some husbands. A group of men gathered at a church conference on how to live in a loving relationship with their wives. The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife ?" All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you love her ?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wives: I love you, sweetheart... Then the men were told to exchange their phones so one can read the other wife's reply to the love message. Here are some of the replies: 1. Have you impregnated someone again 2. That was then, not now 3. You wan borrow money abi? 4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time. 5. Meaning? 6. Is that a new song? 7. Am I dreaming? 8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today! 9. U dis man!! I asked you to stop drinking. 10. Abeg na who be this?

John: bby am gonna tell u a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts Grace: alryt love John: okay am gonna start wth part 1. There was a husband n a wife, they were driving to a camp site wen they came upon a split road. The husband says "lets take the left one. The wife say i thnk we shuld take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "whose driving me or u?" and they took the left path. Grace: hahahahaha.. John: now am gonna tell u part 2. Once they got to the camp the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook dinner. He comes back and the wife says "good now i can cook fish soup for us to eat." The husband says "but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife slaps the husband n says "who is cooking me or u?" and the ended up drinking fish soup. Grace: oh crap! Hahaha John: now am gonna tell u part 4. Grace: wat abt part 3? John: (landed grace a hot slap on the face) who is telling the story me or u?

Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot trained in the USA and asks the sales person; "What's so special about this parrot ?" Sales person says: "This parrot is a genius and can answer any question" Ekaitte asks the parrot; "How do I look?" The parrot replies; "You look like a fuckin slut?" Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it despite it was trained in the USA. The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2 mins... The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says; "if you disrespect the lady out there again i'll soak you back in water" and takes the parrot back to the store. Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and says she can ask the parrot another question. Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man what would you think?" Parrot: "He's your husband" Ekaitte: "Two men?" Parrot: "Your husband and his brother" Ekaitte: "Three men?" Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and your brother" Ekaitte: "Four men?" At this time the Parrot turns to the Sales person and says: "Bring back the bleeping bucket of water I already told you she's a slut!!!

A wife went on holiday leaving the husband behind. The husband got so Hot one day that he decided to try the maid who had just come from Nsukka village and who seemed clever. ... He called the maid to his bedroom where he had taken off his pants, he pointed to his manhood when the maid arrived. Husband: Do you know what this is? Maid: (actin Shy) Yes Husband: Do you know what it s for? Maid:Yes Husband: show me. The maid immediately dropped to her knees held the item with both hands drew closer and opened her mouth. The husband was shivering with anticipation . The maid then began,"My name is Chinasa , I'm 23 years old and I'm from Nsukka. I want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr and mrs Chigozie, my uncle, Broda NnamdI aka' chop my money and MY auntY, MRS IFEOMA, I would also like to tell my boyfriend Johnny that I miss him. Can u play me Ashawo by Flavour Nabania?" Then finally says to the man," Oga,take your microphone I'm through...

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this my guy. A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him. At about12 o'clock the man comes back and knocks... the Wife tells him "go sleep where your coming from " and the man answered" I'm not here to sleep my dia , I'm here to collect condoms in my room on top of the table or give it to me, there'r lots of women at the party!" The wife opened the door and said "" you are not going anywhere. Enter the house.

Akpos went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos". The next day Akpos came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do you recognise me every time?" The storekeeper replied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"

Naija the only place where Where a man Happily meet a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question was "Is the guy loaded? Where a blind beggar will reject a fake naira note. Where Groundnuts are sold in Bottles & Waters sold in Satchets. Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A 'DRIVER's LICENCE' Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem. Where the Police on a road block makes more money a day than motorist and their owners. Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and yam and others given a chieftancy title for stealing billions and Front row seat in churches. Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and to enter a bus!

My eyes are wet with tears...... Out of laughter...haha hhahhaha read on.... If you are tired of those guys who keep on inboxing U silly questions,here are some few tips on hw 2 answer them off: Question:"hey beautiful wht r u busy with" Answer: "looking for my engagement ring, lost it" Q:"Hey gal can we meet?" A:"Nope i'm 8 months pregnant, I can't meet anyone at this stage" Q:"Can I knw more about u?" A:"Sure I LOVE MONEY,please send me N5,000 MTN card" Q:"do u hv a BF"? A:"yes we hv 2 kids & he is a soldier"

One day at the end of class, a teacher Mr. Ofoka asked the whole class to go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day Mr. Ofoka came into the class and asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. little Suzy raises her hand and was asked to go ahead. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." Then Mr. Afoka asked for the moral lesson of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Mr. Afoka also asked for the moral lesson of the story. Lucy replied "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." The last person was little johnny. Johnny started like this: "My uncle Tedra fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade of his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". Mr. Afoka looked at johnny in shock and asked if there is possibly any moral lesson to his story. Johnny replied, "Don't Bleep with uncle Tedra when he's been drinking!

Real Stress? You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is STRESS! In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn.You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a BIG STRESS already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children). This is a STRESS, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the REAL STRESS is. P.S. What do you do to your wife when you get home?

I wanted to use my ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. A frustrated me called my bank help line. Me: (angrily) So what's wrong with my ATM card. Call girl : Sir, I have checked your account, everything is alright here and You should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken? Me: Are you insane? What are you insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM card like I do. Call girl: Okay Sir, are you also sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt? Me: You dey mad? ATM card wey I dey pet like egg. As a matter of fact, I even laminated it last week when I laminated my Identity card.

one day four friends Anointed. Emmanuel. Michael..and Sam went to the burial ceremony of their friend in a certain village in ghana. it is the custom and tradition of the village that when a deceased is about to be buried, his friends will put something in his/ her casket. Anointed had nothing to give at the moment so he assisted the women in cooking and serving foods and drinks to guests. that was all he did. Emmanuel put into the casket some expensive wine worth of $3500. He said ''bros keep shining your eyes till we meet again...good bye'' Michael counted a reasonable amount of money ($5,000) and put in the casket and Said "my dear i could have given u more than this, but due to economic crises in our country , this is only what i can afford now..use it to upkeep yourself till we meet together once again'' The last person Sam wrote a cheque of $ 15,000 put in the casket and collected michael's $5000 and said. "nna you know that the journey is too far, so i gave u the cheque of fifteen thousand dollars, if you get to the land of death, pls withdraw the whole amount. my own ten thousand dollars plus michael's five thousand dollars is fifteen thousand dollars,,i have collected my change, so all of the money is yours...try and be holy till we meet again,,good bye''

A secondary school geography teacher went to drink at a beer parlour after school on friday. His wife was at home waiting for himto come back as usual. Past 4pm he's not yet back, so the wife thought he is staying for evening class. 8pm he is not yet back so the wife became worried and alerted some friends. They all went to the school to find everywhere empty. They called theprincipal and he said the man left for home immediately after school. This made the wife to become more worried. It's now 11pm so they went and reported to the police who joined in the search. At about 2:30pm, they found the man sitting at a corner, awake and not sleeping. They reached to him and asked why hehas refused to come home. He called them a bunch of illiterates..." you lack knowledge in geography,.. since the earth rotates with everything in it, I decided to sit here and wait for my house"

I just Noticed that Life is too short to commit suicide cuz In the year 2002 nokia 3310 was N75k with N40k econet sim card, but today its N700 and the sim is free.. In 2003 samsung c100 was N48k and I must recharge with atleast N1500 airtime every... two weeks or else my sim will be blocked. today its N800 and I dont even need to recharge to retain my sim {customers are needed}... In 2004 sendo x with camera and 16mb memory card {one of the cheapest mp3 enabled phoneback den}was N39k today its free... In 2006 sagem my v55 was N30k today its going for N300... 2008 nko blackberry bold 2 was N135k today blackberry is no more producing new bold 2... so London used na N15k.. U can get 9ja used for N6k... So my friend, if u neva dey use blackberry porch, htc smart phones, android, ipad, iphone, playbook or nokia 808, pls, dnt worry. Just wait and see, coz before 2015 our children will be using them as toys....*smiles #......Be Patient. Dis makes me wonder why sum girls go crazy simply coz of material tins. U want a bold 5, U want brazilian hair, U want LV bag, but remember, Beatles was d richest car in 1980'z.....THIN K!!! See d kinda of depreciation it experienced within short period. BEAUTY FADES! WEALTH can also be ERASED. Jux work hard, Hav a good character and Be loyal to ur feelings!!!,and lastly rem dos wit d bests cars 2day once wlkd on foot,calm down n Give God ur time,for only Him can mk............. ........ Time shall favour u. Can i hear ur Amen??

New elemnt Added 2 the Periodic Table Name : wife Symbol : wi Atomic Weight : Don't Even Dare 2 Ask! Physical Proprties : Boils at Anytime, Can Freeze at Anytime, Melts if Handled with Love & Care, Very Bitter if Mishandled.! Chemical Proprties: Very Reactive, Highly Unstable, Posses Strong Affinity 4 Gold, Platinm, Clothes & Othr Precious Items, Money Reducing Agent, Volatile when left Alone. Occurance: Mostly found in front of mirror

4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ??

1)Akpos Girlfriend Found out that she was pregnant. She called Akpos on the phone. Girlfriend: Honey i miss my period. Akpos: which of the subject?. MATHS OR ENGLISH?. 2)Gf: Honey so you had another girlfriend. I never knew you were a player. Akpos: yes,i play for Barcelona. 3)Gf: baby i'm not feeling fine. Akpos: oh! Sorry,have you taken your drugs?. Gf: No, Just send me 500naira Mtn recharge card, plz. Akpos: Do you want to recharge your sickness?.

One day Akpos and John were watching T.V when the news came on, showing a man standing on a bridge about to commit suicide, suddenlyAkpos said "I'll bet N500 that the guy won't jump off", John said I bet N500 that he will jump. Unfortunately for Akpos the man jumped off the bridge, Akpos accepted his fate and stretched forth the money but John didn't take it, saying "I can't take the money coz I cheated, I already saw the news this morning" but Akpos insisted and said "no you can take it, I cheated too, I also watched the news this morning, I just didn't know the guy will be silly enough to jump again!"

IGBO TRADER WRITING WAEC EXAM: Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to please wait at the gate and pick him up after his WAEC Commerce exam at the Commercial Secondary School where he registered. He was given Commerce Exam question paper and the only question he could answer was question number 3 and it says: "Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop" (20marks) After much thinking he smiled and wrote his answer as fast as he could: Warehouse is at Ojota while Shop is at Alaba market. Then he submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate: OGA: Ebuka, how far? How e be? EBUKA: E dey so simple Oga. Question number three say make we differentiate between a warehouse & a shop. OGA: Ehen- ehen...Wet in U come write? EBUKA: hmmm. I write say "warehouse dey for Ojota & shop dey for Alaba. OGA: So na the only thing wey U write be dat? EBUKA: Yes Oga. OGA: Chinekemee!!! U dey craze Common go back & put the phone numbers & our complete address. silly boy! Na so dem take dey get customers

A man was trying to show his 15 year old son the danger in taking alcohol so he brought earthworm and alcohol. He poured the alcohol on the earth worm. After a little while the worm dissolved and he asked the child, "what lesson can you learn from this?" The boy replied, "when we take alcohol, we won't have worms."

Akpors and Father at Graduation Ceremony Akpors’ father accompanied him to his school end- of-year awards party. As they sat watching amidst loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the podium for their awards. The following conversation ensued: Announcer: Best student in sciences, the winner is Inem. Father: (Applauds and eyes Akpors scornfully) See correct children! Announcer: Best student in commercial studies; the winner is Ajoke. Father: (Hisses and eyes Akpors) See correct children. Announcer: Best student in Arts and the winner is Helen. Father: (fuming with anger) See correct children!!. And so, all the awards were presented without any going to Akpors. At the end of the event, they left and went to the car park but as his dad got ready to start the car, the engine refused to respond. He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but his efforts did not yield any response so they resorted to pushing it. Just as they got to the exitof the school, the rickety car sparked up. Exhausted and profusely sweating, Akpors rested on the gate just as his mates were driving off with their parents in Hummer, Jeep, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln Navigator, Range Rover and other exotic cars. All of a sudden, Akpors burst into laughter. His puzzled father asked,’what’s so funny?’ Amidst teary eyes, Akpors responded, ‘SEE CORRECT FATHERS!’.

DIFFERENCE BTW A FOREIGN ADVICE AND A NIGERIA ADVICE ! Hello, my name is Sandra Stone, I'm from Uk, i love my husband so much and i do anything to please him on bed.. i even suck his dick too but he has refused to suck mine.. pls advice me how to tell him to go down on me cos i really want my Kitty-Cat juice sucked. Comments * James silva : I think u need to talk to him, marriage is communication. * Sarah water : Oh my dear,sorry abt that.. ve bin in ur shoes before .. i told him right away when we were aving sex and he is an expert in it * Micheal paper : I get downwt my wife, its cool i love doing it.. u shud talk to ur husband. NIGERIAN PAGE ! My name is Aminat, i stay in Abuja, married wta kid, my husband have refused to suck my p***y, what shud i do.. No insults abeg COMMENTS * Dayo muyiwa : Fool, sex na food? * Nkiru joy : Yu are a disgrace to womanhood..sham e on u * Idris kunle : Any news abt Assu strike? * Toheeb sule : If u want i can suck for u call my no 08147826858 * Funmi Leye: I no blame u at all better go findsomtn do wt ur life, suck koor, soakaway nii * Richard oke : Abeg who get bb charger * Amaka Achebe : U r a prostitute, u need deliverance!

Teacher: who can make a sentence with the word STRESS? Mary: You are causing me more STRESS John: I hate STRESS Akpos: Yesterday i saw our teacher and our headmiSTRESS making love in her office. The Teacher fainted!

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as it comes home, it rushes & fucks all the 153 hens... The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens. The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster bleeping the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! U deserve this "The rooster opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never bleeped a vulture in my whole bleeping career".....

A man goes to see his doctor and asks him to prescribe the strongest dose of Viagra he allowed. The doctor asks why he needs such a strong dose? The man explains that he has a couple of young nymphomaniacs coming over and he needs the Viagra to keep up with them. The doctor quickly agrees and off he goes. A few days later the man the man returns to the doctor and this time asks the doctor to prescribe him the most powerful pain reliever that he can. The doctor asks, "Why do you need such a strong pain reliever, is your pe*is really sore?" "No," the man replies. "I need it for my wrists, the two girls never showed up."

*Viagra Prank* There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?', he is asked by his concerned children. 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Akpos enters a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer: BARBER: This is the dumbest boy in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. The barber puts a N50 note in one hand and two N10 notes in the other,then calls the boy and asks: BARBER: Which do you want, boy? Akpos takes the two N10 notes and leaves. BARBER: What did I tell you? Akpos never learns! Minutes later, when the customer left, he sees Akpos coming out of the ice cream store. CUSTOMER: Akpos, May I ask you a question? Why did you take the N10 notes instead of the N50 note? Akpos replied, "Because the day I take the fifty naira note, the game is over!" It's beta I collect N20 everyday.

A pastor added me on facebook and I innocently accepted. Two minutes later his msg came in:. Pastor: how are you? Me: am fine my daddy. Pastor: may the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head Me: (no reply) Pastor: may the thunder of Blessing strike you and your family. Me: (no reply) Pastor: are you there? Me: yes my daddy Pastor: you should be saying amen to claim the Blesings. Me: ok, May over speeding trailer of blessings jam/crush you and your family like a moving train, faster than the speed of light in Jesus name. pastor: make God forgive ur mouth

_wat profit a man dat has a BB but no suscription. _wat profit a man dat has an android dat d screen is broken. _wat profit a man that has a china fone that there is no music. _what profit a nokia man that has a nokia S40 or S60 without free data bundle. _what profit a man that has a samsung galaxy, that has a broken screen. _what profit a man that has a facebook account but no friends. _what profit a man that has a 2go account, but no go credit. _what profit a man that has a car, but no petrol to fuel it. _what profit a man that bought a BB of 100k, but has 2 sim card space.

As a Man lost his cheque booklet, He decided to go to the bank after 2 days to report. Here is the conversation between him and the bank manager. Bank manager : But I warned you to be careful with your cheque book because anyone can forge your signature. Man: I am not a fool, I have already signed all the cheques, so they won't have space to forge my signature!

Dad: Uncle coming to collect the money i owed him. When he comes, tell him i have travelled to Benin. Akpors: Yes Dad Uncle:Where is your father? Akpors: He has travelled to Benin. Uncle: When is he coming back? Akpors: Wait, let me go and ask him? Boy: Dad, Uncle said when are you coming back? Dad: Tell him next week pa friday. Akpors ran back and said: Uncle, my dad said i should tell you that he wil be bak next week. Uncle: ok, go and tell him that if he comes bak next week, he should let me know.

4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ??

I was coming home saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya Ofego Wake up!! Food is ready!"

Akpors has been dating and spending money on Ekaitte for long,he picked up her phone one day and got to know that his name has bin saved as MAGA 32,eehe!,see gobe,here is what he did o. He made a fake call,make sure she was hearing his voice from where she was.this was his conversation with his fake caller: Akpors:Hello baba,dat gurl u said i shuld be giving money,i don dey give am o,infact i don dey see result,the more she spend the money,the more i become rich,bt wen wil she die?ehn no problem,infact, i wan give am more money today. Ekaitte jumps out from the kitchen) ehm,akpors,all d money wey u borrow me,i knw say na borrow u borrow me,abeg i wan return am all,abeg no vex 4 me,abeg i go even add put,jst calculate am make i know.

This is one of the great difference of a Nigeria guy and an America dude using the ATM. Let's first take a look on how an american guy use the ATM in the mid- night! ........the america guy drives his car towards the ATM machine,and he gets down leaves his car keys on the ignition,picks up his ATM card gets down from his ride walks down to the ATM machine whistling (attracting more hears) then he inserthis ATM card into the machine and type the amount he wants to collect still whistling,then he widraw the money and walks to his car! counting the money as he walks!then he zoom off!!...... But when the nigeria guy wants to receive some money from the ATM at NIGHT,he drives towards the ATM machine,stops for a while,then he observe the people around,switch off his ignition!roll the glass up,and roll up his sleeves if he wears a shirt,lock his car and keep his key in the inner pocket then get down from the car! Tip-top to the ATM looking at his back,sides and even up! He looks around for 2 minutes and insert his ATM card into the machine,type the amount he wants to collect,then he looks back!after spending abound 20 minutes! He returns to the ATM about to receive the money he heard the sound of a car pass,he gets shocked,he retrieved his card and ran back to his car without fulfilling his mission and zoom off in fright.

Teacher: "who is the minister of education?" Children: "Mrs Dame Patience Jonathan" Teacher: "who is CBN governor?" Children: "Aliko Dangote" Teacher; "who is the minister for information?". Children: "Mike Adenuga" Teacher; "who is the minister for sports. Children: "Stephen keshi". Teacher: "Correct! Teacher: "who composed the national anthem of Nigeria" Children: "wizkid" Teacher: "correct"what is 2+5? Children: "25" Teacher:- "correct" Teacher:- "what is the capital of Nigeria?" Children: "Abia-umuahia " Teacher:-"corre ct, Who is d president of nigeria?". Children. "General Muhammadu Buhari" Teacher. "Correct! Teacher: "Who stopped the killing of twins". Children: "Psquare" Teacher: "correct!who is the minister for women affairs" Children: "Genevieve Nnaji" Teacher. "Correct, Who is d governor of Anambra state? Children. "Baba Tunde Fashola" Teacher. "Correct!" Teacher:- "Good! Clap for yourselves... (children claps) Teacher: It's gonna Remain like that until government increases my salary!!!

Teacher: Emeka,which country would you love to go when you grow up? Emeka: America. Teacher: Obi,what about you?. Obi: Australia. Teacher: And you?, david. David: kenya. Teacher: what about you,akpos?. Akpos: i would not love to go to anywhere. Teacher: hmm..Well,block heads dont go to anywhere because they have nothing in thier brain. Akpos: ma,can i ask you a question?. Teacher: yes. Akpos: when did you finish your youth service as a corper?. Teacher: since 2009. Akpos: then why are you still in nigeria,teachin g?. Why not find a better job.. Well,block head's dont get better job,they rather decide to teach people like them..

An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple sitting at a table room. pointing the gun he said,," let me know the .names of my victims before i kill them.. WIFE: I am Martha ROBBER: oh holy poo! my mother's name Martha.. i cant kill Martha...(point ing the gun) and u?? HUSBAND: Am Joseph,,,but all my friends call me Martha i swear hit like if u smile

OLD AND NEW TITLES Garden Boy : Landscape Executive Officer (LEO) *House Maid : House Upkeep Manager (HUM) *Receptionist : Office Access Control Manager (OACM) ... *Typist : Printed Document Handler (PDH) *Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer (BCC) *Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician (TWT) *Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor (AT) *Tea Boy : Refreshment Specialist (RS) *Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Engineer (PSE) *Watchman : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer (TPSO) *Thief : Wealth Distribution Expert (WDE) *Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist (APS) *Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist (DOS) *Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager (AM) *Cook : Food Preparation Officer (FPO) Do Not Forget *Unemployed : Town Surveyor (TS) *Gossiper : Research Manager (RM)

After 24 years of marriage, a wife accuses her husband WIFE: Ever since we got married he has never uttered the words "I love you". JUDGE: Is this true? HUSBAND: Yes! Ever since I told her on our wedding day that I love her, I have not changed my mind. What should be the Judge's verdict?

Pls,I need 2 ask u somtin dat has kept me sleepless.It myt be awkward b/w us afta dis,bt i hv 2 knw hw u feel.I hv kept it in mind 4 a while now bt i tink it's finaly tym i straighten up & confront u,i jst hop dis doesnt ruin our frndship,i need 2 knw & i dnt knw any oda way i cld get ova dis.It jst doesnt seem fair on me if i dnt get an answer.I wnt u 2 tel me truthfuly no matter hw harsh it is,al i need is ur honest answer.Pls hw much is pure water in ur area

HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love. HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes. HUSBAND: Turn on the blender. WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye. Another day HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes HUSBAND: Turn on the blender WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him son where is your mother? SON: I don't know, she went out with the blender.

A lady and Akpos were having drinks at the bar. Later that night the woman whispered to Akpos, "LET'S GO TO MY PLACE". So they left. At the woman's place they started kissing and undressing each other, then the lady whispered in the sexiest voice, "TIE ME ON THE BED AND DO WHAT U DO BEST" Akpos tied her on the bed and... and... ran away with her TV, Laptop, Blackberry, ipad and iphone.

Akpos was working on a crane, suddenly he slipped off. While falling, he held on to a branch and started yelling for help, but no one came. At the point of giving up he said 'God pls help me, i'll listen to u henceforth', then he heard a voice calling his name: God: Akpos! Akpos: Who is that? God: It's me, your Father Lord God. Akpos: Yes Lord, i know u'd help me. God: Whatever i say, u'll do? Akpos: Yes Lord. I'll do anything u say. God: Ok, let go off d branch! Akpos: Noo what did you just say? God: I said let go off d branch. Akpos: Abeg, carry ur own go. Any other person to help me? heeeeelp!!!! One word for Akpos??

A newly wedded girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: “My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family“, she said “Firstly, with my presence i would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.“ “What do you mean my child?” asked her Mother-In-Law. What i mean is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cook shouldn’t stop on my account. Those who used to clean should continue cleaning. As for me, I am here just to control your son!.

Akpos: MTN people are eating our money too much. Girlfriend: Yes the stealing is too much. Akpos: I got an idea, instead of using phone, why don't we use a pigeon in sending messages like the old time, just tie your message to it's leg if you want to reply. Girlfriend: I like what is in your head. After an hour of waiting, Akpos' girlfriend saw the pigeon in the window, she checked it's leg's but nothing there, she sent it back, just a few minutes it comes back, she quickly grabs it but to her disapointment no message again, she sent it back. After some few minutes, she opened the window for the pigeon to come in, she checked it's legs but still no message. With much anger, she headed to Akpos' house and shouted "Akpos come here, you , you said you will send message through this pigeon but why the three times it came to me, no message?. Akpos: You don't get it...It's 3 missed calls not message.

Why I got divorced.... Sad story of AKPOS !! Last week was my birthday.... My wife didn't wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.. Even my colleagues didn't wish me.. As I entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss".. I felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.... i felt she wanted sex , without hesitating i agreed WE went there.... She said, "Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY", I said.... She came out 5minutes later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids, My Friends & My Colleagues.... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And . . . . . I was waiting on the sofa Unclad....

Naija the only place where Where a man Happily meet a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question was "Is the guy loaded? Where a blind beggar will reject a fake naira note. Where Groundnuts are sold in Bottles & Waters sold in Satchets. Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A 'DRIVER's LICENCE' Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem. Where the Police on a road block makes more money a day than motorist and their owners. Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and yam and others given a chieftancy title for stealing billions and Front row seat in churches. Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and to enter a bus!

A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. His wife pulls him up and cleans everything. The Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads: “Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, i had to leave early to buy groceries. I love you.” He asks his son about what happened last night, his son tells him: When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married!

Akpos called his gf on phone upto 10times but his gf did not want to pick his call. So an idea flashed into akpos head,he boughta recharge card. Send it to his gf phone number,but he removed 2 digit number of the recharge card. When his gf saw the card,she was happy and copied it down then load it..and it was shownto her that the pin she is trying to load does not exist. She called akpos number. Gf: Helo honey,you forgot to put the last 2 digits when sending. Akpos: ! You also forgot to pick my call when i called you.

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies! Newspapers report "LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG" Man says i'm not American Report changed "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog" Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani Breaking News: "Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"

A man was about to check into the Sheraton hotel when he noticed a very beautiful woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs. After a very pleasurable three day stay, d man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for N450,000. "There must be some mistake," d man said. "I've been here for only three days." "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."

A couple received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas, the letter read: "My beloved Parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you'll find a bottle of potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: Please take only a drop" So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. the man looked at the wife and says: "You go first." (typical of men!) So the wife takes a drop thereafter, the husband follows. Indeed the wife turn five years younger. Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and pretty, carrying a baby on her back. The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young. The daughter was delighted and asks after her dad. MOTHER: Your father? Hmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was so young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle. DAUGHTER: What? So where is he? MOTHER: Hahaha, who do you think is the baby on my back?

Boy: Do you have a boyfriend? Girl: Nope;I don't want to have a boyfriend. Boy: Gen. 2:18 The Lord God said,“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Girl: But I don't love you. Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Girl: And how do I know you mean those words? Boy: Matthew 12:34 "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Girl: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest? Boy: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." Girl: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there! Boy: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Girl: But what is in me that you like? Boy: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Girl: But I'm not all that beautiful...you 're exaggerating. Boy: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Girl: What happens if I say yes? Boy: Genesis 2:24 "Therefore man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Girl: How come you know the scriptures this much? Boy: Joshua 1:8 " This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and you will have good success." Girl: wooow, I can see u really love God. Boy: Psalm 34:8 "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Girl: hmmmh! Ok please give me time to think about it. Boy: Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Girl: aw! I love you already Boy: Revelation 22:21 "Amen!"

Akpos and his friends are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, walks up to them, and points at Akpos, shouting,"Your mom's the best in sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but Akpos ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Akpos again, and says,"I just did your mom, and it was s----w----e---- - e----- t!" Again Akpos refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,"Your mom liked it!" Finally Akpos interrupts."Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

I was in church one day when pastor said: "It's time to say hello to your neighbours, shake hands and lets get to know each other." I said hello to the person sitting to my left and to the one sitting to my right.. We introduced our selves and both said they were Egyptians. Preaching time came and pastor decided to preach from Exodus 14:13.. Telling us about how God saved the Israelites from Egyptians. My people, remember that there were Egyptians on my left and right. I was thinking to myself "How do these two Egyptians feel knowing that their people are the bad guys in this Bible verse" Well, I just sit-down my own je-je-je. The next thing oo!!, pastor shouted: "The Egyptians made the people of God to suffer for years!!!, I said they made them suffer!!!, Turn to your left and to your right!!! And tell your neighbour!!!, The Egyptians you see today!!!, You shall see no more!!!" My friend, if you were in my position will you say after the pastor?

Police : Knock knock Akpos : Who is knocking? Police : Police Akpos : What do you want? Police : To talk Akpos : How many are you? Police : We are 2 Akpos : Talk to each other then.

Ochuko was burnt to death so they called his 2 best frnds Ofego and Akpos to identify the body. 1st went Ofego... Ofego: He's burnt pretty bad his face is beyond recognition 'Ofego asked the motician to roll the body over'.. The motician found this really weird.. He rolled the body then Ofego said ' that aint Ochuko! They calld his 2nd frnd Akpos to identify the body.. ' Akpos also askd the same question to roll the body over' he also said this is not Ochuko! The motician askd why did both of u wanted me to roll the body? Akpos: Ochuko has 2 assholes ..dats not Ochuko.. Motician: huh dats impossible! Akpos: I'm telling u he got 2 assholes cos evrytime wen three of us go to the Club people say ''Here comes Ochuko and his two assholes!''

My People As Blackberry ate all my money, I got angry and sold it and then took some money from it to buy China phone! Now am in bigger trouble!!! 1. It gets full after 3 minutes of charging. 2. The phone has TV, Touch screen,Nail cutter, firelighter etc. 3. Text message can be written with a toothpick. 4. There are some spelling mistakes e.g NokLa, blackderry, i-Indecency, samswag etc. 5. When an aeroplane passes by it records "one missed call". 6. When a big truck hoots; it records"charger connected". 7. When a Chinese man passes by you it says "one Bluetooth device found" 8. When a fine boy/girl passes by u, it says "Ur favourite food found" 9. When an ugly boy/girl passes, it says, "Virus detected". Please, I want to sell it! Who wants to buy o?

Akpos has been admiring his neighbour’s wife. The neighbour’s wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Akpos didn’t know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires … because she’s married. So, one day the lady herself approached Akpos alone in his apartment. AKPOS: Hi. LADY: Hi. AKPOS: Is everything alright? … LADY: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively). AKPOS: Wow! Anything for the angel. LADY: I…I…I…just don’t know how to say this. I’ll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no. AKPOS: Oh my lady. you don’t have to. I am ready to do anything for you. LADY: You know, it’s been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled… AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes! LADY: And even when he’s around, he has some… (pause for a while) he has some disabilities… AKPOS: Oh poor you… You must have been going through hell! LADY: I know you’ll be stronger than him… AKPOS: Sure. LADY: Can you help me? AKPORS: Wow! Now? Sure, I’m ready if you are ready. LADY: Oh thanks goodness! that’s why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

Akpos had an accident with his new BMW X6. He manage 2 get up and called a police officer and said: ”this man just came and smash off my BMW. My 6 million naira car is now condemned”. The police officer shook his head in amazement and said: “You Akpos, you are so materialistic. You didn’t even realise that your hand had been cut off”. Akpos looked at his amputated hand and screamed: “Oh my God, where is my gold wrist watch

5 people named Crazy, Mad, Sun, Fool and Imposible were living in the same house. On a certain afternoon, Sun came home and rushed to the kitchen to prepare some lunch since it was his duty. … Imposible was bathing in the shower, Crazy was just relaxing in the living room but Mad and Fool had gone outside to do some house shopping. After he finished cooking, Sun left the gas running without noticing. After sometime, the whole kitchen was on fire! Crazy decided to call the Fireservice:- Crazy: Hallo? is that the fire service? Fire service: Yes pliz, how can we help you? Crazy: We need your help immediately, our house was accidentally set on fire by Sun! Fire service: Set on fire by sun? thats impossible! Crazy: No! its not him, he was just having a shower when all this took place! Fire service: Are you mad? Crazy: No! Mad has gone to the market to do some shopping… Fire service: Dont be a fool! Crazy: I swear am not Fool! he went out to the market with mad… Fire service: Hey man, you must be crazy! Crazy: Yeah exactly! thats me. pliz do something immediately and help us put off this fire! Fire service: ¤¤HANGS UP THE CALL¤¤

Akpos was caught red handed by his principal writing MAY GOD PUNISH MY PRINCIPAL. Principal: What nonsense are you writing? (about to Slap Akpos). Akpos: Sir, i have not finish it. Principal: (angry) what do you mean? You are insulting me and you are saying you have not finish. Akpos: This is not what i wanted to write. Principal: So what did you want to write? Akpos: I wanted to write that MAY GOD PUNISH MY PRINCIPAL’S ENEMY.

Chinese couple living in Lagos gave birth to a black baby. In anger, husband asked the wife.... "Chu, why baby black?" She replied, "we live in Nigeria, no electricity.....me hot, u hot, s*x hot.....baby burnt!"

Read this "HATE letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.... However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop their relationship... ...and so..the boy wrote this letter to the girl..he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter.. 1 "The great love that I have for you 2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you 3 grows every day. When I see you, 4 I do not even like your face; 5 the one thing that I want to do is to 6 look at other girls. I never wanted to 7 marry you. Our last conversation 8 was very boring and has not 9 made me look forward to seeing you again. 10 You think only of yourself. 11 If we were married, I know that I would find 12 life very difficult, and I would have no 13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart 14 to give, but it is not something that 15 I want to give to you. No one is more 16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not 17 able to care for me and help me. 18 I sincerely want you to understand that 19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor 20 if you think this is the end. Do not try 21 to answer this. Your letters are full of 22 things that do not interest me. You have no 23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me, 24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that 25 I am still your boyfriend." So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 .15.17.19. 21.23 .25. (Odd Numbers) So..Please try reading it again! It's so smart & sweet.... LIKE FOR MORE!

During an argument, a HUSBAND told his WIFE, "women are just DONKEYS. All women are DONKEYS!" The next day as they were travelling along the highway, a donkey crosses right in front of their car. The WIFE tells her HUSBAND, "Sweetheart, be careful. Your mother is crossing the road."

Woman Buys A New SimCard, Puts it In Her Phone and Decides 2 Surprise her Husband Who Is seated On the Couch In The Living Room... She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With the New Number: "Hello Darling" The Husband Responds in A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.

A Married man Went for Confession, and Said To His Priest; Man: I Almost Had An Affair With Another Woman. Priest: What Do You Mean, Almost? Man: Well, We Got Undressed And Rubbed Together, But Then I Stopped myself. Priest: Rubbing Together Is The Same As Putting It In. You are Not To See That Woman Again. For Your Penance, Say Five Hail Mary’s And Put N5000 In The Poor Box. The man Left The Confessional, Said His Prayers, And Then Walked Over To The Poor Box. He Paused For A Moment And Then Started To Leave. The Priest, Who Was Watching, Quickly Ran Over To Him and said; I Saw That you Didn’t Put Any Money In The Poor Box!. The man Replied; Yes, But I Rubbed The N5000 On The Box, And According To You, That is The Same As Putting It In!

AKPOS & HIS NEW ONLINE CHICK!!! Akpos: Hi babe, wasup? Girl: i'm cool thanks! Akpos: u're welcm, i'll like 2 knw u wella Girl: i'm Tichick, 19, slim & dark from Lasgidi. Akpos: babe u're the kind of girl i like. Akpos continues: babe actually, my name is James Ovie Akpororo but my friends call me Akpos. I am 59 years old, I live in No16 Church street, Oshodi, Lagos. I have a supermarket @12 Femi Johnson street, Mushin, Lagos. Babe i like dating young girls like you. You can call me on 08147826858... Girl: but oga u're a family man. How will ur wife & daughter feel if they see me with u. Or don't u think its wrong? Akpos: babe dont even mention my useless daughter & her wayward mother here. They're on their own & i have my life to live. Girl: its ok then. But do u care to know more about me? Akpos: babe give me ur full detail including ur bank account number Girl: well, my full name is Augustina James Akpororo, i'm a primary 6 student of Gov't School. my mum's name is Gladys Akpororo, she sell fish @mushin. My father's name is James Ovie Akpororo, he is a gateman @oshodi where we both live. Akpos: Tina, so it is you! Girl: Papa, so it is you! Akpos: Your mother must hear this Girl: Papa, mama is here o.

A girl invited her boyfriend (Akpos) over for dinner in her house so he could meet her parents. While they were eating, it started raining heavily, so the girl's mother said;"Akpos, i think you should sleep over here because the rain shows no sign of stopping anytime soon" After eating, the mom went to the toilet and the father went to sleep while the girl went to the kitchen to clean the plates. When the girl and her mother returned to the sitting room, Akpos was not there, they checked all over the house and did not find him. As they were wondering what happened to him, he walked back into the house, wet and soaked with a plastic bag. Girl's mother: Where were you and why are you so wet? Akpos: I went home to get my pyjamas.

Akpos' friend, Ochuko, was giving his wife the beating of her life, & the woman kept shouting for help. Luckily Akpos came in, the woman was so happy thinking she has gotten a helper. Akpos said to Ochuko, "You don't beat women these days, you only need to marry a 2nd wife, you hear!" Ochuko's wife screamed on top of her voice, "Honey! Don't listen to him, CONTINUE BEATING ME!!

Jonathan met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips u can give to me? I want to help Nigeria." "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Jonathan frowned, and then asked,"But how do i know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen replied, "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said,"Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer this riddle. David, your mother and father have a child, it is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a minute David Cameron answered, "that would be me." "Yes, very good," said the Queen. Jonathan went back home to ask his Vice President Sambo. JONATHAN: Answer this. Your mother and your father have a child, it's not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it? SAMBO: "I'm not sure, let me get back to you." He asked all his staff in the Office but none could give him an answer. Finally, one day, VP Sambo ran into Dora Akunyili. Sambo asked, Dora, SAMBO: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?" Dora answered sharply, "That's easy, its me!" Sambo smiled,and said "Thanks!" Then he went back to speak with President Jonathan. Sambo: Sir, I have the answer to that riddle, It's Dora Akunyili! Jonathan got angry,he said to Sambo. "No wonder Nigeria isn't moving forward, I am surrounded by Dummies! The answer is David Cameron!" WHO IS MORE INTELLIGENT?

It happened in a hospital in Warri, Delta State ... Intensive Care Unit (ICU) patients died, in the same bed, every Sunday at 3pm. Doctors thought it was something supernatural. So, a team of experts was formed to Investigate the cause or causes. The following Sunday, few minutes before 3pm, all doctors & Nurses stood around that particular bed waiting to see what it was. Then suddenly Akpos (Part time sweeper) entered the ICU, unplugged the Life Support system of that Bed & then plugged his blackberry charger.

Akpos wrote a test and a week later the teacher gave the test papers back. On Akpos' test paper he wrote 'I D I O T!'. Akpos goes to the teacher and said: "you were meant to give me a grade and not write your signature!"

Akpos : Papa when i go to Heaven, I will ask mama why she died so Untimely. Papa : What if she is in hell? Akpos : Ah Papa! You will then have to ask her.

Teacher : If your father has N10, and you asked for N5, how much will your father have?. Akpos: N10. Teacher : You don't know maths. Akpos : You dont know my father!

Akpos and his babe papa...... General: Hello! May I know you? Caller (Akpos): sorri I want to speak wit Joy sir. General: I said who are u & what for? Akpos: hmmm (after he understood d situation @ hand), Okay Sir, I am FRANK EDOHO from WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. Joy's friend is presently on hot seat and needs her help to answer a question for 2Million Naira. So the next voice you hear after is her's, the time starts now....... General: ooh am very sorry!!! Joy! ,Joy!! Pls take ur phone ur friend needs ur help........... Akpos: The question is, when are you coming tomorrow? A. Morning, B. Afternoon, C.Evening, D. Night. Joy: D. Night. Akpos: Are you sure? Final answer?.... Joy: yes am very sure! Akpos: okay, greet that yeye father of urs for me

In USA when husbands arrives from job, "Hi honey am home" In Britain, "Hey sweetie am home" In Nigeria "have u paid the electricity bill and please boil this rice and roast the meat before it goes bad. In USA after work she says "Welcome honey,how's Work then she kisses u" In Britain, "Welcome home my sweet husband I love u" In Nigeria "papa ajiri u are drunk i knew it you are coming from prostitutes house its fine. In US when going to bed they say, "Good night my love." In UK, "Sweet dreams darling." In Nigeria "My husband did u lock the door, windows and release bruno(the dog)"

AKPOS: I want to buy dog food. Seller: Do you have a dog?. AKPOS: Yes Seller: Where is it?. AKPOS: At home. Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell you dog food unless i see the dog first, it is our policy. The Next Day…. AKPOS: Do you have cat food?. … Seller: Where is your cat?. AKPOS: It is at home. Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell cat food for you unless i see the cat. Two Days Later…. AKPOS went there holding a nylon bag. Seller: What is in your bag?. AKPOS: Put your hand inside first. (The seller puts his hand inside) Seller: It’s cold, what is it?. AKPOS: It is my poo, i brought it as evidence because I need toilet paper.

Akpos got a message from his girl friend on his Birthday “Message Reads” HBD Boo…LLNP, LYSM TTYL”…Akpos provoked and called her phone” Kate what is meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish… Kate replied Haaa:O Akpos dnt tell me u are dis dumb and local>:/ Oh My Gooosh; , u dnt even know the meaning of HBD and all dat Mtchwwww. Well, HBD Means “Happy Birthday”, LLNP means “Long Life Nd Prospe rity” LYSM means “Love You So Much” and; TTYL means “Talk To You Later” dumb Bottom… Akpos angrily ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, *message reads* TFY… Kate called immediately, AKpos wat is the meaning of TFY? Akpos answered Oh u don’t even know common TFY ,After much laugh Akpos replied TFY means “Thunder Fire You>:

Goodluck Jonathan, David Mark, Obasanjo and former miss world Agbani Darego are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. David Mark and Obasanjo are sitting there looking perplexed. Goodluck Jonathan is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. David Mark is thinking: "These men are all crazy after Agbani Darego". Goodluck Jonathan must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Agbani Darego is thinking: "Goodluck Jonathan must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Obasanjo instead and got slapped." Goodluck Jonathan is thinking: "Damn it, Obasanjo must have tried to kiss Agbani Darego, she thought it was me and slapped me." Obasanjo is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Goodluck Jonathan again".

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she ?" Son : "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" ; Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. . . . . The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she ?" Son : "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter. Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father! The mother hugs him affectionately and says : "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father".

A man went for a job interview with his wife. The man went in first and discovered that the preceeding questions were all the same with his. So when he came out, he told his wife all the answers and she crammed them. The answers were 1.yes 2.monkey 3.Goodluck JONATHAN 4.BOKO HARAM 5.HIV but when the woman got in, the interviewer became interested in the woman and decided to ask her simple questions. He started: “madam, the man that left must be ur husband”. She replied…”mhmm”. Then the man started. 1. Are u single?-the woman replied “yes”. 2. Whats the name of your interviewer? She said “monkey” 3.who would u say is the greatest terrorist in the world? She said “good luck jonathan” 4.who in Nigeria do u wish long life? She said “boko haram” 5.well, thats good madam, said the man. He asked bt what wil u give me in return, If I give u the job? She smiled and replied “HIV”

I'm tired of this Dettol Adverts, children nowadays believe there are Germs everywhere.... My 5 yr old Nephew goes around with a Dettol can in his pocket. He Sprinkles his friends before he plays with them..... Sprinkles his books before reading..... This morning, my tea and bread tasted awful...I Took a few sips n bites before I realized my Nephew had poured Dettol in my Breakfast to kill germs.... If my nephew doesn't kill me,who will?

Teacher: can u see God? AKPOS: No Teacher: can u touch God? AKPOS: No Teacher: then u should simply know dat there is no God in heaven. stop deceiving urself. . . . AKPOS: (clears throat) ma can u see ur brain? Teacher: no AKPOS: ma can u touch ur brain? Teacher: no AKPOS: then that means u have no brain in ur head stop deceiving urself.

Weekend Phone call Girl; hi swit ? Boy; hi baby..where r u ? Gal; just home watching movies. Boy; let me come and chill with you. Girl; Brilliant idea! By the way baby pliz bring me take away and a big coke. Boy; junk food, coke! baby that food is not good for ur health,u know i don't want u to get sick. Girl; ok, just get me a cake only. Boy; Uuuu..remember i told you to avoid stuff with much sugar, it will spoil ur teeth. Girl; Gosh! now what will i eat, ok pass by the butcher and get half liver we shall just cook that. Boy; What Baby, haven't u been checking news, never trust any meat, u may end up feeding on dog liver. Girl; eeeeh ! ok just bring me garri and groundnut of 40 Naira. Boy; Woow! That's my baby ,,,, am coming with it right now!.

A man's fiancee said to him, “Now that we are engaged, we should start calling each other pet names”. He asked her, “So what do u want to be calling me?” She said, “I’ll be calling u TIGER”. “Why?” he asked. “Coz u’re handsome, tall, charming, strong, calculating, smart & very good in BEDmatics”. She then asked him, “What will u be calling me?” The man said, “Zebra” The lady still smiling seductively, “Wow, that’s lovely & sweet. Why did u choose such a lovely name?” “Because of ur STRETCH MARKS”

Akpos: Bar man! bring everyone drink cos wen am drinking, i want everyone to drink and enjoy. (bar man obeys) Akpos : bar man! bring everyone goat meat cos wen am chewing, i want everyone to chew. (bar man obeys). People began to chant and celebrate him. Akpos! Akpos! Akpos! Akpos! Akpos : Bar man! bring everyone their bill cos wen am paying, i want everyone to pay.

Akpos: Hi friend, i need your Help! Ochuko: How can i help u? Akpos: Please, i want to test if the BRAKE of my Car is still working . Ochuko: How can i be of Help here? Akpos: Please, just stay at the Front of the car while i drive towards you. Ochuko: Ok. After Some Minutes, OCHUKO was rushed to the hospital with Broken Legs while AKPOS Is Now in the Police Station. Please who is the FOOL here........Akpos Or Ochuko

Akpos was roaming about the Lagos international airport.He saw a wallet on the road.he picked it up and open it,he discovered that $ 5,000 is on it. He quickly removed it and throw away the wallet. He turn his car immediately and said "make i waka fast before somebody wen no lost money go be dey claim say him lost money" .as he was driving home,he tune on to wazobia fm radio.there was a programme on air.Akpos call the radio station. Akpos:hello is that wazobia fm? Station:yes.wet in happen? Akpos:i see $5,000 for inside wallet today. Station:wow! U are a good samaritan.do u want to come to our station? Akpos: no.....i want u to play me P.Square music.....eno easy aa...oooo.baba God na ur handwork ......

A pilot was transporting a bunch of mad men to a psychiatric Hospital. The mad men were making soo much noise, such that you could Hear from Land. So, one of them entered the Pilot’s Cabin; MAD MAN: Hi Pilot, Please Teach me how to fly a plane! PILOT: I would, but under one condition. MADMAN: What? PILOT: If you can get your colleagues to keep quiet. (5mins.. later, the plane was very quiet! MADMAN: Pilot, They have stopped the noise, Can you fulfill your promise now PILOT: Wow!! How did you get them to keep quiet? MADMAN: “I opened the door and asked them to go play outside!!! Pls, Teach me Now…

Akpos was being asked a question which he couldn't Answer. The question was " Which food does Monkey like so much" A. Sugar cane. B. Butter. C. Banana. D. Yam The conversation goes thus: Akpos: This Question is too Hard sef. Let me call someone. Presenter: Who do you want to call? Akpos: Ogaga! Phone rings!!!! Presenter: Hello Ogaga your Friend Akpos is here on the hot seat, he needs your help to win N5 million. Ogaga: yeee! Presenter: Akpos you have 30secs, your time starts now. Akpor: Ogaga!! Ogaga!! How is your family? Your Wife nko? Ogaga, which food do you like most? Ogaga: Banana na. Akpos: Are you sure? Ogaga: am...... Akpos: Oga presenter, your card is finish, recharge, let me call him back. Presenter: Haha! Your time is up! Will you go with your friend? Akpos: yes. Presenter: Why? Akpos: He resembles Monkey, that is why. After winning N5 MILLION. Presenter: How much will you give to your friend? Akpos: How much kee? Monkey don't eat money. I will give him Banana.

A man was traveling in his car along Ughelli-Asaba express road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped and priced; Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The woman replied; Oga, it is N7000. The man exclaimed; Haba madam, it's too cost na, how much will u sell it last?. The woman said; Oga, bring 6,500. The man then said; Ok, go and put it inside my boot. The woman went behind the car saying in her mind; If this man opens the boot, i will drop the bush meat on d ground and go and collect my money. Immediately the boot was open, the woman put the bush meat on the ground and closed the boot without putting the bush meat inside, the man sped off without paying the woman. Who is Smarter?

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed d wrong email address, and without realising he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading d first message she fainted. The son rushed into d room, found his mother on the floor and saw d computer screen which read: 'To my loving wife, i knw u are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I have just been checked in. How are u and d kids, d place is really nice but am lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement 4 ur arrival 2morrow. Expecting u darling. I cnt wait to see u.

Little Akpos was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin - Okon asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." Akpors responded. Okon was amazed that he answered so quickly and asked; "How do you know that?" "Easy," Akpors replied, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'.

The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Mr Akpos' wife told her friend. The friend suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” “But what if my Husband finds out?” asks Mr Akpos' wife. “Heck, this is a new age we live in, Go ahead and tell him about it!” said her friend. So Mr Akpos wife went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.” “Forget it,” said Mr Akpos,. “I’ve tried that – it didn’t work.

A young girl came back to Doctor and complained, "Doctor, last time you did my abortion, you forgot your sharp blade inside of me," Doctor "Oh I am sorry, did it hurt you?" Girl, "No but my eight friends went impotent, ten of them lost their fingers, and four of them went dumb.

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap- tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Boss: Akpos, i dont want my daughter to be leaving dis house anymore, for her nt to get pregnant, i dont want you to let her leave dis compound. Akpos: Sir, you know dat, ur daughter is a very stubborn girl. What if she trys to force herself out. Boss: Fool! Use your head. Akpos: Ok sir. *Boss returns from work, he couldnt find his daughter at home. Boss: Akpos, where is my daughter? Akpos: Sir dat ur daughter is very very stubborn, wen i remembered dat u said i should use my head i started to nod her teeth. Boss: Where is she?. Akpos: She's in hospital.

A Warri tenant walked in & saw his landlord's son trying to commit suicide. A brief conversation ensued: Tenant: Akpos! What are u doin? Akpos: I am tryin to commit suicide, as my father always complain dat my life is worthless! Tenant: That is not good na! But why did you tie d rope on your waist? Akpos: Bros, it's not easy o! I tie d rope on my neck, I NEARLY DIE!

A married lady was going into a hotel with her boyfriend when she saw her husband coming out of that same hotel with his girlfriend. On sighting the husband, the lady immediately said, "I've catch you today, useless man, thank God I brought a witness". The man looked at her then turned to his girlfriend and said, "Sister Mercy you see what I told you? If we had left earlier as you wanted we won't have caught her here"

Mary : How was your paper Gloria ? Gloria : It was kind of hard; I didn't know the past tense of 'think'. I thought and thought and thought for along time then finally wrote'thunk' Mary : I guess you're right because I wrote thunk after I thought 4 a while.. ... Mary : poo! And what about the past tense of 'write' ? Gloria : I dont know what I wrote; I think I wrote 'written' Mary : That one I didn't even bother. When I saw the next number asking for the past tense of 'go', I just went out of the Exam Room. Gloria : Me too, when I reached that number I couldn't take it anymore. Those idiots gave us an exam beyond our scope.

A newly married couple brought a female house help from the village to assist in keeping their home tidy so they would have time for their careers and other more important things. One day, the husband decided to give his wife a surprise package. He molded a big heart(to represent love) with the assistance of the house help, a project which took almost the whole day. The wife came back and met the house help sleeping and snoring: The Wife: Will you get up now! silly girl! What have you been doing since morning? HOUSE HELP: Welcome Ma! Dnt be angry pls. Ur husband and i hv been makin love since morning. It's just now we finish i then decided to lie down a little.

A GIRL'S FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:- "Wow I just found the love of my life...Nothing will ever stop me from loving my man♥." . ,, ,, . ,14 DAYS LATER:- "Never make sum1 a priority when u're just an option to them..!" . ,, ,, . 2 DAYS LATER:- "I HATE love so much!" . ,, ,, . 3 DAYS LATER. "I'm happy to remain single and I will never fall in love again." . ,, ,, . 5 DAYS LATER:- "I'm looking for a man to love and treat me right." . ,, ,, . 15 DAYS LATER:- "When u deeply fall in love with a right person, u realise why it didn't work with anybody else but him. I love my guy so much....mmmuaaa h. " . ,, ,, . 8 DAYS LATER:- "smh..!! All men are the same!!!!!"

A Funny Conversation Between A Man And His Daughter. The Girl said: Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am here in Nigeria and he lives in London. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve had 2 months of relationship through Viber. I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy. Her Dad replied: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband sell him on OLX.

Akpos and his best friend Kome sat in the exam room to write their final exams. Kome had studied very well for the paper while Akpos had not. This is what went on between them in the exam room. INVIGILATOR : 10 mins more… AKPOS : Kome, are you done with the theory? KOME : Yes, but I am now doing the objectives. AKPOS : Ok then pass the theory to me, for me to copy because I have not done anything. KOME : Is that so? Ok take it and copy because time is not on our side. AKPOS : Thanks INVIGILATOR : Get ready to stop work…… KOME : Hey Akpos, give me my paper. AKPOS : Oh Kome, I couldn’t do it oo…it was too much, so I cancelled your name and wrote my name there… KOME : What!!! INVIGILATOR : Stop work!!!.

Son: wow! The fabulous Super Eagles Of Nigeria will be playing a football match with Malawi. Can we go to the stadium tomorrow? Dad: No. U have to queue up to get tickets and even stand during the match. You can see it better on TV. Daughter: Can we make it to the trade fair this weekend? Dad: No sweety, there is grand sales live show on TV every Saturday. We will watch everything on TV. Wife: Honey honey, let's go have a wonderful time at the Nigeria Music Awards this evening. Dad: Hmm. No Darling, it will be broadcast live on TV. Better on TV at home Dad: Daaarling, I'm hungry. What are we eating for dinner? Wife: U can watch Daughters Of Sarah on TV. They are preparing yam and oil beans. Enjoy dinner. Everything is better on TV.

At a church service on a sunday in northern Nigeria, while service was still on, all of a sudden a boy stood up and shouted bOMb! bOMb!! bOMb!!! Immediately every one was running helter skelter some even fainted while some said their last prayers, even pastor sef prayed last prayer, then the boy ran to the alter picked up the Microphone and shouted ApriLLLL fOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOL....

Akpos was seated in a bus and a lady came in. Because the bus was filled up, she had to stand. Akpos said out aloud: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated, it bothers me. The Girl asked: So what do you do? . . . . . . . . Akpos replied: I close my eyes and sleep.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

A Drunk 18yrs old boy ask a married woman out. The woman gets pissed and tells her husband Akpos the scenario. Akpos tells her to invite the boy over so that he can beat the hell out of him. He also tells His Wife that he will hide under the bed and wait for the boy. The woman did as her hubby requested. When the boy gets there he kisses the woman and takes off his T-shirt and his body is full of scars so the woman asks "why so many scars??". The boy replies: "I like to lay with married women and usually i get caught so i kill their husbands. If someone shows up now he'll be Number 20 on my murder list". The boy continue kissing the woman and then the woman tries to reach out to her husband Akpos under the bed. A small voice came up and says: "If you tell him am here, i swear, i'll kill u before he kills me.

Akpos was on his way back home early one morning when he came across robbers. They got hold of him. He struggled and struggled but they over powered him. When they searched him and found only one torn N20 note on him, the following dialogue ensued. Robbers: (Angrily) Wait, so it is dis nonsense tear tear N20 dat is makin u to struggle with us, are u nt afraid of our gun, dere's bullet inside o. Akpos: No o, why wuldnt i b afraid of u people's gun wen bullet is inside, I thought u all want to collect d N10,000 i'm hidin inside my socks on my right leg shoe.

Boy: Babe, i want to show you something. Girl: What is it?? Boy: But can i show you this in your room? Girl: Okay. Boy: Can we close the door? Girl: hmmm okay Boy: Can we close the window? Girl: Okay. Boy: Can we turn off the light? Girl: Yess. Boy: Grab my hand. Girl: *grabs his hand* what is it? Boy: Look at this, my watch glows in the dark!!!

I HATE HAVING DREAMS.. The last time i dreamt, i died in the dream and went to heaven. I met with an angel who i begged for another chance. He agreed to send me back to the earth but on the condition that i will come back as a female chicken. I had no option than to agree, so i was sent back to earth from heaven. When i came back as a female chicken, i met a male rooster who got me pregnant. After months of my pregnancy, time to deliver came. I hatched the first egg, followed by the second, third and fourth. While i was trying to hatch the fifth egg, I heard a sounding slap on my face. I woke up immediately from my dream and saw my friend standing by my bedside, he looked at me and said "Mumu! you don sheet for bed oo"

Akpos: Madam, how much are your eggs? Egg Seller: Big ones go for N30, small ones N25, cracked ones N5. Akpos: Ok Madam crack six big ones for me.

Akpos And Rukewe were throwing stones to bring a mango down from a tree. Rukewe suggested, "Maybe it is not ripe, why don't we confirm first?" Akpos climbed the tree & went to touch it to make sure it was ripe.., "Yep, it is ripe!" He climbed down & they continued throwing stones at it with much more effort this time...

A couple watching an EPL match together. After five minutes: Wife: Is that Saint Obi? Husband: No. He is Mikel Obi. Saint Obi is a Nollywood Actor. Wife: Mikel Obi is smart. He should be in Nollywood movies like his brother. Husband : He does not have a Nollywood actor brother. Wife: See Another Goal in less than a minute. Husband: No. It is called action replay. Wife: Looks like Enyimba is going to win this match. Husband: It is not Enyimba. It is Man U vs Chelsea. Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a Firing Squad. Husband: He is called a centre referee and he is not calling for a firing Squad. It's a free Kick. Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Kick? Husband: #Mute , not uttering a word.#. Wife: Now is the centre umpire talking to his wife on the phone? Husband: No, he is communicating with his linesman. Wife: Why is he showing only red and yellow cards? Is there not any Blue card or something? Frustrated husband turns off the TV. *Wife turns it on and watches "African Magic".* Husband: Who is this Mercy Johnson? Wife: Listen to what they are saying and Don't disturb me.

Wife: Our house girl is pregnant? Husband: That's her problem. Wife: I heard you are responsible. Husband: That's my problem. Wife: I can't take this from you! Husband: That's your problem. Wife: The neighbours are talking. Husband: That's their problem. Wife: This house will not contain me and you. Husband: That's our problem. Let everybody carry and solve their problem. One word for Husband.

A doctor summons a woman & asks to know why, after the husband had complained to him dat the woman no longer allows him to sleep with her. The woman said; I work so hard for d family. It happens like dis, i get ready for work in d mornin, i take a taxi to work, on gettin dere, dere's no money on me, d taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. At work, i fail to meet up d daily target, my boss asks; do u want me to sack u or what? I go for or what. Goin back home, i take a taxi, on gettin home, no money on me. The taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. Dats it! The doctor then leans forward and says; So, do u want me to tell ur husband or what?

A robbery operation was being conducted on cars caught up on traffic by robbers. They were robbin all d cars one after d other. On gettin to a range rover sports car, their leader hailed d occupant and allowed it to go. Why did u allow dat car to go?....one of d robbers asked d leader. He replied; D person in dat car is an ex governor of dis state, our elder in robbing and our former leader but has retire.

One night armed robbers were tryin to break in and rob a rich man's house. The rich man quickly called d police with his phone and Akpos, a newly recruited police man answered d call and assured d man he's comin. As he was comin alone, d armed robbers halted him; come here, where are u goin wit dat gun? Akpos the police man suddenly stopped & started shiverin. He replied; i heard u are robbin here so i decided to come & use dis gun to support u people! The armed robber shouted; is dat not police uniform u are puttin on. Akpos quickly replied: No o, it's my night gown.

Dame Patience went out for drink with some of the top women…. Waiter brings their bill: Dame Patience N10,400 Ngozi Okonjo. N10,250 Dora Akunyili. N10,450 Turai Yar’adua. N10,200 Total. N41,300 She says: I will pay for everyone else, but Total must pay for herself because I didn’t invite her, afterall she owns petrol stations all over Nigeria! .....=)) =))

A maid wanted a salary raise. Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise. Maid: I can cook Better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me. Madam: OK, second reason? Maid: I can iron better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me. Madam: OK, and the third reason? Maid: I'm also better in bed than you. "This time Madam was furious & was gettin ready to break her head" Madam: Did my husband say that? Maid: No the driver told me I'm better in bed than you are. Madam: Please lower your voice. I will increase your salary.

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint. The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you have an accident now who will go and tell your people ?" The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, The Holy Spirit, Angel Gabriel, Angel Micheal and five other angels are with me here. The police man said: "All these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading.

Ways to know if you have mouth odour. 1. You always win an argument quickly. 2. You are explaining something to your friends and they are looking at another direction. 3. Any time you yawn, dogs always bark. 4. You want to kiss your girlfriend and she tells you "I don't like kissing". 5. You want to whisper to your friend's ear and he starts begging you that he already know what u want to say. 6. You try to sing for a little baby and he/she starts crying. 7. Pastor is praying for everybody in the church, when it got to your turn, he instructed you to say AMEN in ur mind.

Pastor Akpos told his church members, that he saw a vision that he should pray for all working class members of the church. So he said all church members should bring their working tools on sunday. On sunday, as he was starting the program, he said everybody who brought their working tools, should stretch it forward and face him. All members did as he said Tailors stretched their Scissors towards him. Teachers stretched their Chalk towards him. Bankers stretched their Pen towards him. And about 15 members of the church who were hunters and Police Men, also stretched their Guns towards him. Not noticing there were guns pointed at him Pastor Akpos said to all the workers to start making use of their tools as they do in their normal way of life. Tailors started clipping their scissors. Teachers started moving their Chalk. Bankers started signing with their Pen And the 15 members with Guns released their erroneous bullets towards Akpos. . . . . . . . . . Akpos has been flown to Germany for treatment over 15 bullet wounds. I pray he survives.

Wife: Honey can i use OUR Blackberry? Husband: No problem, It's on the table. Wife: Can i use our jeep? I want to get something from the market. Husband: But you have ur own car ok here is the key. Wife: Erm, erm, honey..... erm, erm can i use our ATM Card? I want to withdraw our money. Husband: If i give you our slap, you will not see clearly with our eyes to drive our jeep to withdraw our money.

Akpos comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "My husband! I am one month overdue. Is like am pregnant! The doctor gave me test today, but until it's sure, we wuldn't tell anybody." The next day, Akpos' wife receives a telephone call from PHCN because they had not paid their bill. Am I speaking to Mr Akpos? "This is he's wife. She replies. PHCN guy: "You're a month overdue hope u all know?" How did you people know? stammers Akpos' wife. "Madam it's in our files" says the PHCN guy. She shouts "how did it enter u people's file?" Phcn guy: We have a system of finding out who's overdue Akpos Wife: Oh my GOD !!!!!!, this is too much, what kind of thing is dis? Phcn guy: Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders, I have to inform you that you are overdue Akpos' wife: no problem. I'll tell my husband when he comes back. That night, she tells Akpos "They know i'm overdue at PHCN o!", The next day Akpos rushes to PHCN office. "What is happening? i heard dat u people has a file dat my wife is overdue. Does it concern u people!"he says angrily. Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at PHCN, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us. Akpos: Pay u people for what? What if i don't pay? Lady: Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off. Akpos: If u cut it what will my wife do? Lady: I don't know. I guess, she would have to use a candle!!! Akpos fainted!!

Akpos applied for a job and after the interview, the boss called him and said "After going through your C.V, i am proud to tell you that you've been employed and we want you to use your knowledge and experience to drive this company to greater heights" Akpos got angry and said "Sir, with all due respect, i read Mechanical Engineering in Delta State University Abraka, i don't only have a B.sc but an M.sc and you expect me to be a driver?

1. She is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, send her a text saying "Honey have you seen the money?"... She will call back. 2. He is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, put his picture on your profile and write "I'll miss you, R.I.P boo"... He will call back as fast as he can, try it and see.

TEXT CHAT:: Boy: I'm coming to see you honey, I dont care about the high gas prices or nothing I'm coming no matter what. Girl: Awwww Okay I'm fine love, get ready baby Boy: I love you, I cant wait to see you...I'm getting ready to leave now Girl: Okay but hunny I'm on my periods, just letting you know incase.... Boy: My car just blew up, I cant come to see you ... Girl: Get your friend to take you, like he always does.... Boy: He got shot by armed robbers so i cant come, I'm sorry.. Girl: Oh never mind, I'm not on my periods. My panties are just looking too red... Boy: My friend has just been discharged from hospital and he has said he's okay, he's fine and he will take me now. I'm coming sweetheart Girl: poo! I'm really on my periods...just did not notice the blood..... Boy: damn!!!!!!!, he has been shot again, i wont come!!!!

Two friends smoked weed... One went behind a tree, removed all his clothes and came back to his friend Unclad! He stood in front of his friend and asked, "How do I look in my new suit?" The friend looked at him, smiled, took another puff and said, "You look so amazing in the suit but you put your tie below the waist instead of putting it on the neck!"

Akpos who had been lying down in his sick bed at the hospital knew that he may not survive, so he called his wife on phone: Akpos: Hello honey. Wife: yes darling. Akpos: i have something to tell you before i die. Wife: What's that?. Akpos: When i die, i want you to marry shaxee. Wife: Which of the shaxee?. Akpos: shaxee, 24/7meshacks update. Wife: But Shaxee of 24/7 meshacks Update With shaxee is your enemy. Why do you want me to marry him?. Akpos: I want him to suffer what i suffered from you.

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this question: John if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? JOHN: "Just a minute, I have to go and pee." TEACHER: "That would be rude and impolite.How about you musa?" MUSA: "I'm sorry, I really need to go to the toilet." TEACHER: "That's better but still not nice to say the word toilet. Oh Akpos, how about you?" AKPOS: "Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."

A lady and Akpos were having drinks at the bar. Later that night the woman whispered to Akpos, "LET'S GO TO MY PLACE". So they left. At the woman's place they started kissing and undressing each other, then the lady whispered in the sexiest voice, "TIE ME ON THE BED AND DO WHAT U DO BEST" Akpos tied her on the bed and...and... ran away with her TV, Laptop, Blackberry, ipad and iphone.

Romantic Evening!!! Two Women chatting in office. Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours? Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ? Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale! At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: How was your evening ? Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ? Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!! Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A TIME!!!!!!!!! Your friend graduated at 22, and at 25. You are still hustling to get the admission for the 1st degree! Calmdown!!!! Your Friend got a good job immediately after University, you are still hustling to get one even after MSc. #Calm down sweetheart!!! Your friends are getting married, and all the guys/ chics coming your way seem to want just fling, #Relax Dear! When your friends are getting things you think you deserve, do not despair, #remain focused. #LISTEN : Life isn't a race with sumone else, the 1st to DEPART is not always the 1st to ARRIVE. Life is about your own SAFETY, SUCCESS and HAPPINESS. Be Patient, Smart, Focused and God fearing. # God is Sovereign and his timing is always PERFECT and he makes it so Good.

A very ugly guy died and went to hell. He knocked on hell's gate. Devil asked; who is dat? He replied; it's me. Devil opened d door and was shocked to see d boy's ugliness and shouted; BLOOD OF JESUS!

A very ugly guy died and went to hell. He knocked on hell's gate. Devil asked; who is dat? He replied; it's me. Devil opened d door and was shocked to see d boy's ugliness and shouted; BLOOD OF JESUS!

FUNNY THINGS ABOUT NIGERIANS . We love arriving late to an occasion just because we feel others would arrive late too - AFRICAN TIME. We flash with private number. We are very loud especially when we are talking on the mobile phone. We wear sun glasses at night. We run in the rain even though we are already wet. We answer questions with questions. We always use 'o' at the end of everything. We call every elderly family friend uncle or aunty. Some of us will go to South Africa for one week and come back with American or British accent. Our parents like to sew uniformed outfits for us and our siblings for special occasions. We love to crush chicken bones and fish bones Calcium things Our mums especially would force us to eat even if we aren't hungry or when we're sick. We love to invite people to occasions someone else invited us to. If someone die in Nigeria, we don't believe it is natural Village must be involved. Our Mothers remind us they carried our pregnancy for nine month when we refuse to go on errands for them. We see u awake in the morning and ask u "u dont want to wake up?" These are what make us UNIQUE!!!

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the Bottom of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

GUYS How guys ask for girls' number.... "Babygirl dis chat is getting boring here.are u on WHATSAPP?" How guys ask if girls have boyfriends.... "U really do look pretty.am sure your bf is lucky to have u.hope he has told u dis?" GIRLS... How girls ask for recharge card from boys... "Am really enjoying your chat dear cos u are so lovely.I would have loved to continue but my MB is almost finished.pls can you help me out?" How girls ask if guys have girlfriends... "Why would you say am lovely.abeg nor let your girlfriend beat me o." Hahahaha... Abi I lie?

A farmer caught Akpos in his garden, plucking and packing vegetables in a sack. FARMER: what the are u doing here? Akpos: A strong wind blew me here. FARMER: Then what are those vegetables doing in your hands? Akpos: I was holding unto them so the wind will not carry me any further. FARMER: OK! So why is that sack on your back? Akpos: That was what I was wondering before you came.

There is this girl I love so much but I still don't know why she won't talk to me anymore. It started like this: She posted on Facebook: "All men are dogs!" I commented: "Which breed is your father?" That's how the problem started. Please did I ask the wrong question?

A girl ran home with a 20 naira note and showed her mum. Her mum asked her; "how did u get it?" She replied; Bros Akpos dat lives down d street sat on a tree and told me to craw".. Her mother said; "why are u so foolish, dnt u knw dat he wants to see your pant".. The next day, she ran home with a 50 naira note and showed her mum. Her mum asked her where she got d money frm and she replied;"Bros Akpos dat is living down d street sat on a tree laughing and he told me to craw". Her mum said;"why did u do dat again, dnt u knw he wants to see ur pants".. She replied; "Mummy he thinks he is wise but dis time i removed my pant".

Who said english is simple? Read Sister Onome's testimony! "Praise thy Lord. Hmmm! It's not a small something. *Well, actually, it all started a two day ago, which I'm in my house. So a small hungry is catching me, so I look in the house, nothing much to chop only small plantain which I've not fried before.... So, I tell myself to fry it and chop, as I'm frying that plantain, so phone ringing, so I look, it's a faring place, so I now run, which I reach there, it's my father which call, so I now say: "Father call after, I is plantain frying." So I keep it. So now, I now turn around, as I turn round, all of a suddenly everywhere in my house have turn to smoke. Children of God as I'm approaching, smoke is bigging, smoke is just bigging and bigging. It's a fearing thing o! If it's you self, afraid will catch you. So I now call the name of Jesus three times. I shout Jesus Jesus Jesus! All of a miraculously, smoke start to be vanishing, to where? I no know. It's a miracle something o! Smoke start to disappearing small, small, small. Then, my plantain have burn to matches. Hallelujah...Pr aise thy Lord somebodies. But my main testimony today be say; I chop that charcoal and nothing is happen to me.! Praise thy Lord".

Akpos entered a bar, climbed the table and shouted "Who is the strongest here, show yourself" A huge guy stood and went straight to the table where Akpos was standing and said.... "Here i am, i am the strongest here" Akpos seeing the man, smiled and said..... "That's good! Pls come and help me push my car to the mechanic"!

A famous inspirational speaker said: “Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.” Audience was in shock and silence. He added: “She was my mother.” (A big round of plause and laughter) A very daring husband tried to crack this at home. After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen: “Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife” Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker… . . . By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water! Moral: Don’t Copy, if you can’t Paste.

AKPOS: Thieves broke into my house last night, searching for money. OCHUKO: What did u do?. AKPOS: I woke up and started searching with them hoping to fine money for my transport fare.

Ochuko: Akpos, wasup? Akpos: I'm ok. Ochuko: Why are you dry like this? Akpos: My guy it is poverty. Ochuko: Poverty is a disease o! Well everything is in God's hand. Akpos: mehn! you are really looking good, what's the secret behind it? Ochuko: It is dream life o. Akpos: hmm..how? Ochuko: It is enjoyment in dream o.. Always enjoying life at Mr.Biggs. Akpos: ok i will try it..hope it'll be helpful. Ochuko: Make sure it is Mr.Biggs you go o. *Next Day* Ochuko: Wasup? that stuff really work, i can see your stomach has developed. Akpos: My guy i would have been dead by now if it wasn't for God. Ochuko: How?. Akpos: As i went to Mr.Biggs, i ate bread until the bread hang on my throat. As i woke up i realise my pillow case has nearly finish.

The Executives Of All Academic Staff Union of Universities Of Nigeria (ASUU) And Some Nigeria Universities' Lecturers Were Called For A Meeting In London. They All Met At The Muritala Mohammed International Airport Lagos. While They Were Seated And Relaxed In The Plane, They Were Informed That The Plane Was Built By Their Students And Was On It's First Experimental Trip. On hearing this, they all ran out of the plane, except one. He was asked why he was still on d plane and he replied; I know what i am teaching them, If This Plane Is Made By Our Students, It Will Not Start.

Teacher - "We are the descendants of Adam and Eve." Akpos - "...Excuse me sir, but my dad says we are the decendants of ape." Teacher - "We are not talking about your family here".

Akpos was busy writing while the Teacher was talking. Teacher : Akpos what are you doing? Akpos : I am writing a letter. Teacher : To who? Akpors : To myself. Teacher : What's inside the Letter? Akpos : How the hell am I supposed to know, I haven't received it yet!

A kid went to the police to report about his lost bicycle. KID: My new bicycle has been stolen. POLICE: When did u notice? KID: This morning POLICE: Do you have a suspect? KID: Yes,my mum and dad. POLICE: why do u suspect them? KID: yesterday at midnight i heard mum say make it stand well so I can sit on it very well ' 'and dad said ''climb up fast before it falls . and mum said ''push slowly slowly don't hurt me....... POLICE: hahaha o boy na senior bicycle be that oo=D=))

Messi escorts a woman home for some fun. When they arrive to her bedroom, the woman says: ‘Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back’. When she returns she finds Messi and two other Unclad men on the bed, and she screams: 'What the hell is this '. Messi answers nervously: 'I'm sorry, but I can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta"

Ochuko: Akpos, why are you always on Facebook? Akpos: I like Facebook & I'm always there for one thing. It's the only place where you can like another man's wife without getting slapped. Ochuko: So, what about Twitter, why are you always there too? Akpos: Twitter is the only place you can follow another man's wife for free!

Boss : Akpos, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me? Akpos : (Shouts) Yes sir!, the customer is always right. Boss : So what were you arguing about. Akpos : He said you are an i d i o t sir!

Akpos: Who is the biological father to Ogaga and Ejiro?. Wife: What sort of silly question is that?. You are their father. Akpos: You better take those two kids to their father. Wife: Honey, why do you say that they are not your kids?. Akpos: Because every night when they are about to pray before sleeping they will say: `OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN'

Dad: My Son, please buy me a soft drink. Akpos: Coke or Pepsi? Dad: Coke. Akpos: Diet or regular? Dad: Regular. Akpos: Bottle or can? Dad: Bottle. Akpos: Litre or oz? Dad: Oh my God!! What is it??!! Ok, Just buy me water! Akpos: Natural or Mineral? Dad: Mineral. Akpos: Hot or cold? Dad(angry): I'm going to strike you with a broom! Akpos: Stick broom or soft broom? Dad: Aha!!! Just get out of here! Akpos: Now or tomorrow? Dad: Now! Akpos: Are you accompanying me or not? Dad: I will kill you! Akpos: With knife or with gun? Dad got frustrated and fainted.

A calabar girl went for a job interview, she was giving a form to fill in her data. As she was filling the form, she got to part to fill "Sex", she paused and thought for a while and then said to herself "If I write everyday, they'll think I'm spoilt..." After thinking for a while she said to herself "hmmm...I'll just put twice a week"

One day Akpos was going home from school, on his way home, he met a man and asked him ''Excuse me sir, what's the time?'' The man replied ''It's 15 mins to 4.00pm'' Akpos continued walking and told the man ''When 4.00pm reaches, you can Kiss my Bottom!'' The angered man started chasing Akpos so that he could beat the boy up for the insult... He ran after him for about 2mins until they reached where a certain old man was seated... Akpos ran to the old man and said ''Hey granny.. Look at this man... He wants to beat me!'' The old man asked the young man who was chasing Akpos ''.... What's the problem man?'' The young man replied ''This little brat asked me what is the time and when I told him that it was 15 mins to 4.00pm, he told me that when 4.00pm reaches, I should kiss his Bottom!'' The old man paused and looked at his watch and told the young man ''But why are you in such hurry? You will have to wait 7 more minutes before you can Kiss his Bottom!''

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist? Akpos raised up his hand Teacher: So it is only Akpos that is the most intelligent student i have in this class? So there is nobody else to answer the question except Akpos? (There was no reply from the students) Teacher: Ok, now Akpos, use this cane and flog them ten strokes of cane each. Akpos is full of happy and gave all the students ten hot strokes of cane.... Teacher: Oyaa my dear Akpos tell this dumb students who a pharmacist is... Akpos: A Pharmacist is a farmer who assist people. The Teacher fainted.

Akpos goes off to Delta State University Abraka. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls his father at home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Delsu that will teach our dog, monkey-boy, how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I get Monkey-boy into the program?" Akpos smiling said... "Just send him down here with N10,000". "I'll get him into the course dad." So, his father sends the dog and N10,000. About two weeks to end the semester, the money again runs out. Akpos calls home again. "So how's Monkey-boy (the dog name is monkey-boy) doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get monkey-boy in that program?" Akpos smiling said "Just send N20,000, I'll get him into the class." The money promptly arrives. But Akpos then had a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he killed the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," Akpos says, "I have bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we wanted to drive home, monkey-boy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading Vanguard Newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that woman who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you killed that son of a Naughty Lady before he talks to your Mother!"

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self- conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing. They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

Akpos phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice coming over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Is he drunk?

Pastor: There is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me. Pastor: I repeat, there is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me and my family. Pastor: I say there is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me oooooo!!!. Pastor: They have been sucking your blood for the past ten years. Akpos: Eh? God forbid! It is not me oooo.

A man and his wife never fought for 25yrs of their marriage. A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible. He narrated,"We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a horse, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the Horse's back and said'this is your first time'. After a while ,it happened again. She patted the horse again and said'this is your second time". The horse did it again the 3rd time, she brought out a gun and shot the horse dead. I was so shocked and shouted at her,'Are you crazy!!? What's wrong with you!!? Why did you kill the horse?. She gave me a grave look and said'THIS YOUR FIRST TIME". Ever since then we have been living very happily...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for yourself, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. I . . . . Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good . . . Male readers, Please scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife... I . Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. =)) Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show\=D/ . . PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! =))

A naija lady dat married a chinese guy were lucky 2 have a baby girl after 9months of marriage. But after 3months d baby died and the mother of the nigerian lady came to visit them, but she was just shouting; i knew it! i knew it! i knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! , And so on. And then a man that noticed her shouting, now called her outside and asked her wat she knew and she replied; i knew that china product does not last!!!

Akpos: I'm in big trouble! Ofego: What happened? Akpos: I saw a rat in my house! Ofego: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap. Akpos: I don't have one. Ofego: Well then, buy one. Akpos: Can't afford one. Ofego: I can give you mine if you want. Akpos: That sounds good. Ofego: All you need to do is just put some fish in order to make the rat come to the trap. Akpos: I don't have any fish. Ofego: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. Akpos: I don't have oil. Ofego: Well, then put only a small piece of bread. Akpos: I don't have bread. Ofego: Then what is the rat doing in your house?

TEACHER: Why didn't you study? STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 daysleft. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in the year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick fora minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days...You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That's why i did not study. Teacher: Class dismissed.

Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do? Akpos: I'd climb a tree. Teacher: If the lion climbs a tree? Akpos: I will jump in the lake and swim. Teacher: If the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you? Akpos: Teacher, are you on my SIDE or on the lion's ?

Old lady telling a doctor her problem.''Docto r i av some problem with gas. but it really doesnt boda me 2 much.my fart neva smells and are always silent. as a mata of fact,i've farted at least 20 times since i've bin here in ur clinic. u didnt know i was fartin becos they dont smell and are silent. DOC:''i see,take dis pills and come back 2 see me next week.''d followin week d lady went back 2 d doctor and says:'i dont knw wat d hell u gave me but nw my fart stink terribly,althou gh they're still silent.''The doctor says''Good, nw dat we've cleared up ur nose,let's work on ur HEARING

After church service, Akpos was hungry. He went to a super market and stole a huge amount of money. When he was caught. He was taken to the police station. POLICE: Young man, why did you steal such huge amount of money? AKPOS: officer, it is not my fault. POLICE: What do you mean by it is not my fault?. AKPOS: it is our pastor's fault. POLICE: (Shouts at Akpos): what do you mean by it is our pastor's fault? AKPOS: he is the one who gave me the magic. POLICE: which magic?. AKPOS: In our church today, when he was praying for the congregation. He said everything we touch will follow us. So i just wanted to test it in the supermarket, to my greatest suprise it worked.

A black man and white man were seated on plane. The black man had a bunch of banana, while the white man had a monkey. The black man wanted to go to the toilet, he said to the white man "please watch over my bananas, while am gone". He went, came back and found out that the bananas were all gone. The white man pointed at the monkey and said, "your brother the monkey ate all of them". The black man with a smile said nothing. Minutes later, the white man said, "please hold my monkey while i pee". He came back and met the monkey dead. He asked the black man what happened and he replied "this is a family matter, please stay out of it!

Akpos was once employed in a school and he went to class to teach. The first day. Akpos: Good morning students Students: Good morning sir! Akpos: I'm going to be your new teacher, do u know what we have this morning? Students: No sir! Teacher: Since u don't know, there's no point of teaching u. Akpos went and came the following day. Akpos: Good morning students Student: Good morning sir. Akpos: Do u know what we have this morning? Out of fear of the previous day, they said "yes sir". Akpos: Since u already know, there's no point teaching u again. The third day. Akpos came to class. Akpos: Do u know what we are having this morning? Out of confusion some said Yes, while some said No. Akpos: Alright then, let those that know teach those who don't know.

Two Teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Other Teachers were trooping in one after the other. ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight teachers maneuverating themselves in the presence of their pupils. CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I'll balance your equation with acid and base. MATHS TEACHER: please please stop before i divide and subtract your names from our teachers' list. CRS TEACHER: Oh God of Abraham, forgive them cos they do not know what they are doing. ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behaviour, I'll draw a scale of preference to know who's at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument, your phonet is voiceless, your treble, and your alto lack vocal sound. HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of century 2015 I'll compare this fight with that of Iran and Iraq. BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens. The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing i must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis.

A married man died before making love to his wife. The wife then cuts his manhood embalms it and fixed it on the wall. Each night she went to the wall to satisfy herself. One day her neighbour found out. Then he made a hole in d wall, removed the man's manhood and put his manhood, waiting for the lady. The lady came with a knife, cuts his manhood and said; Darling, we are moving to a new house.

Mother: Akpos how come the baby is smelling so bad? Akpos: Early this morning when i was bathing the baby, the water from the tank got finished, i thought and thought but couldn't find any solution then i decided to put the baby inside the water closet(WC) and flushed the soap away from his body.

AKPOS: Mum, this our grandma is annoying, i wish she will just die. MAMA AKPOS: ! Is your Mother that will die, not mine. Who is more silly? Akpos or his (biological) mother?

Man: Marry me? Woman: Do you have a flat? Man: No. Woman: Do you have a maruti car? Man: No. Woman: How much is your salary? Man: No salary, but,.. Woman: No but. You have nothing. How can i marry you? Leave please! Man: (talks to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari's, 2 Porsches. Why do i still need to buy Maruti. How can i get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS. MORAL: Women Please be patient & listen to what guys have to say before jumping into conclusion.

silly ME. IF not that i was silly, how would i work for 30 days then give my salary to prostitutes? IF not that i was crazy, how would i sweat in the sun for hours then spend my wages on beer? IF not that i was sick, how would i obtain a loan and spend it on burial ceremony? IF not that i was mad, how would i kill a person for an amount that can't buy me a motor cycle? IF not that i was dumb, how would i not ask myself these questions?

JOB INTERVIEW! INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of Good. MAN: Bad. INTERVIEWER: Come. MAN: Go INTERVIEWER: Ugly MAN: Fine INTERVIEWER: U're wrong! MAN: U're right! INTERVIEWER: Shut up! MAN: Keep talking! INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that. MAN: Ok now carry on all that. INTERVIEWER: Get out! MAN: Come in! INTERVIEWER: Oh my God. MAN: Oh my Devil. INTERVIEWER: U're Rejected. MAN: I'm selected.

Akpos Explaining Marketing: 1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing. 2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him!” – That’s Advertising. 3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can i marry you?” - That’s Brand Recognition. 4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback. 5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s Demand and Supply Gap. 6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. – That’s Restriction for Entering New Markets.

In early 90's Arsenal had a player called Newton Joysticks. He got injured in one match and Newspapers wrote 'Arsenal to play without Joysticks' The coach was furious and told the Papers to write it as 'Arsenal to play with Joysticks out'. You can guess the number of ladies who flocked the stadium to watch the really awaited match.

You went to a burial, the casket was opened for friends to pay their last respect to the deceased. You are the last person to go pay your respect. As you entered, the DECEASED rose, grab your hand and shouted "COME HERE" Tell me, what are you going to do?

There was a time Akpos really loved a girl but never had the guts to tell her. One night, at around 11pm, he summoned some courage and sent her an sms saying, 'I love you so much, I want to date u. Please reply and tell me how u feel.' A few seconds later he received a message alert on his phone. He was soooo scared & tensed to open it that night, so he decided not to check the reply until in the morning when he is less tensed. When he woke up the next day: He said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath, combed his hair, then climbed back to his bed, balanced very comfortably and gently picked up his phone to read the message. So he started reading....... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Dear customer, you have insufficient balance to complete your request, kindly recharge your account and try again!. Akpos Fainted.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Akpos was toasting a girl in a well packed bus but the girl kept rebuffing his advances but he persisted. The girl got frustrated and yelled 'is it by force??!!' Everybody's questioning eyes were turned on Akpos in an instance. He was so embarrassed and to cover it up he yelled back 'Yes, it is by force! You must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.

A man went on a date in a brand new Range Rover Sport ride with his new girlfriend of one month. Man: I have been hiding a secret from you and I think you'll break up with me if I tell you the truth. Girl: What is that my love? Man: Am already married and have 3 kids. Girl: (Pats him on the lap and hissed) You scared a Hell out of me. I thought you wanted to say this beautiful car is not yours.

A guy was chilling with his girlfriend when she excused herself to attend to something else but left her phone behind. A while later her phone rang and the guy looked at the caller ID...it read Fool 32, he laughed so hard then he thought about calling her phone just for kicks. Unfortunately the caller ID read Fool 98...the guy broke down in tears!

A Governor was in a church for thanksgiving. The topic of the sermon was "repentance". After the sermon, Pastor Akpos asked the congregation 'if anybody wants to give his or her life to God lift your hand let me pray for you......' Nobody responded for about three times. The Governor mounted d alter and made a statement.."If u want to give your life to God please lift up your hands let Pastor pray for you cause we want to have good citizens in this state". A guy lifted up his hands reluctantly. The governor asked his PA to give the guy 10 million naira. The governor repeated the same statement again, this time around everybody's hand was up... The Governor turned to Pastor Akpos to pray for them, to his greatest surprise Pastor Akpos hand was also up.....

Ofego: Akpos my man, I found Aladin's lamp today. Akpos: Wow, what did u ask for? Ofego: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Akpos: Oh! Ofego my main guy i love you so much. Did he do that? Ofego: He laughed and said, multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

A Dirty Dressed Akpos saw a girl and he suddenly ran to her..! The girl seeing him thought he was a madman running towards her. She took to her heels, she ran as fast as she could, as she was running, Akpos continue to pursued her...! The Girl picked race and ran until she got tired, when the girl saw that she can'nt stand it any more, She waited, when Akpos caught up with her, She Asked, Please sir, what do you want from me? Akpos replied: Nothing oooo! I just want to say You Are Beautiful..!

At a launching ceremony, Chief Akpos who is an illiterate noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached to their names. For instance, Chief (Dr.) Ofego Akpe, Prof (Pastor) Oghenefegor Akwaruta, etc. Chief Akpos was determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion. When it was his turn to speak, he took the microphone and announced: I, Late (Chief) Akpos Akpomiemie Akpororo Atanatene donate the sum of N500,000 cash. Late Who?? The hall was empty in 60 seconds.

Some Girls don't even know how to chat. They will be the first to inbox you and they will make the conversation boring........ Jenny: Hi Ofego: Sup Jenny: Gud (They won't even ask you ''how about you'') Ofego: Thats nice Jenny: k 2 days later... Jenny: Good morning Ofego: Good morning dear, how was your night? Jenny: Fine. Ofego: i can sense it Jenny: k 30 minutes Later Jenny: I love your write up Ofego: thanks, what do you like about it? Jenny: Nothing Ofego: But you just said you liked it Jenny: Kk 1 day later Jenny: Hi Ofego: Sup? Jenny: Kkk..... TRUE OR FALSE?

Akpos called customer care by 1 am. After 30 mins of advert, finally, Akpos comes on line. Customer care: Hello this is MTN customer care how can I help u?. Akpos: God punish u! Customer care: Sorry sir that's not polite, what's the problem? Akpos: Are u askin me? Check ur time, what is it sayin? Customer care: Sir this is 1:30 am. Akpos: So, why are u not asleep, are u a witch? Customer care: No sir am not a wizard. Akpos: Then what are u? Has others not slept finish? Customer care: Sir, please go straight to the reason why u called. Akpos: Ok, I have N99 on my phone, please transfer me N1 naira let me make midnight call. Customer care: Hahahahahahahah ahaha. Between you and i who is a witch?

Ofego: Take this N150,000, go to computer village and buy me a quality laptop with a big RAM. Akpos: Okay!. Akpos didn't return after two days, so Ofego decided to reach him on phone. Ofego: Hello, Akpos, what is keeping you long?. Akpos: The RAM Ofego: The RAM? How do you mean? Where are you now? Akpos: I'm on my way back from Kano. Ofego: Kano? Akpos: Yes Kano. I bought the Laptop at Ikeja but I traveled to Kano to buy the big RAM. Ofego: Oh my God! Akpos(gets angry): Oh my what? Ofego are u normal? I'm not a little child o! Is it not Laptop and big ram you send me?

Two Boko Haram boys were making letter bombs. 1st Boy: I’m not sure whether i put enough explosive in this envelope before i sealed it. 2nd Boy: “Well, then open it and look.” 1st Boy: “But if i open it, it will explode!” 2nd Boy: “Don’t be silly! It’s not addressed to you! 1st Boy: “You are right, the address on the envelope is not my address”. 1st Boy opens the envelope and............

At a table in a candle-lit restaurant, a man and woman are having dinner, and the following conversation ensued: Man: Baby, i love you, will you please marry me? Woman: (stands up and lands a stinging slap on his face) I have waited more than 9yrs, I have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds, bought books and listened to tapes, even went out of my way to be nice to every male specie of marriageable age! I took up new hobbies, watching football and play station. I went to Daystar, from Daystar, I went to House on the Rock, from House on the rock I went to Guiding Light Assembly, Phronesis Christian Centre int'l, MFM, Christ Embassy, Redeemed, from there I went to This Present Winners looking every where for you. l went from asize 14 to asize 10, so that when you see me you’d love what you see. I left Lagos, went to Abuja, from Abuja I went to Port- Harcourt, then I went all the way to Kano I joined hi-five, from hi-five to Facebook, then I went to twitter, I even had a blog on which I ranted, hoping ? o? would show up! for where? I uploaded only my best pictures on Facebook, infact I took photo sessions to look my best, all for you o! I attended all the weddings, whether the invitation was direct or indirect! The next place I was hoping to check was the moon, before you crawled out, crawled out from the house directly next to mine! So it was you all this while? The neighbourI said hello to every morning? Were you trying to destroy my faith? You almost rendered my prayer life useless? What were you waiting for? What sign where you looking for? Do you want to kill me before you reveal yourself?!!! Now be a gentleman, get down on your knees and put that ring on my finger!! The Guy replied, "April Fool o." What will you do if you were the girl?

A bushman finds a mirror in the veld but he doesn't know what it is. He gets a shock when he looks into the mirror and sees his father who is dead. Every time he misses his father he looks into the mirror and cries his heart out. His wife couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed the mirror from him and looked into it. Very angry she screamed at her husband - 'You fool, who is this ugly woman you are crying for?.

During a robbery in Lagos, Nigeria, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. *This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" *This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!* When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA- trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very silly. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" *This is called "Experience. ”Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! * After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. *This is called "Swimming with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!* The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." *This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job*. The next day, the TV news reported that $ 100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" *This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!*" The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery. *This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!* So who are the real robbers here?

Ofego: Meet my Wife Jane. Akpos: Oh! I know her. Ofego: How? Akpos: We were caught sleeping together. Ofego: What?? What the hell? . . . . Akpos : During lecture in maths class.

There was a house of a drunkard and in the compound he dug a very big hole. One day he came back very drunk and this is what happened. Drunk man: Open the door. Wife : Today I'm not opening the door I'm tired of your drinking. Man: If you dont open I will throw myself in this hole and die. Wife : Die hahaha you even don't have any use in this world. Drunk man carried a very big stone and threw it into the hole and boooom it made noise. The wife on hearing this, wraps herself with a towel and opens the door. Immediately the drunk husband enters the house and closes the door leaving the wife outside. Wife shouting : Open this door or else i will make noise and neighbours will come here ....... Drunk husband : Ooh go on make noise and when they come you will explain to them where you are coming from dressed in a towel.

Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but accidentally called the cricket stadium. He asks, “How’s the situation?” He was shocked and nearly died on hearing the reply. They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!”

Ofego to Akpos: Why don't u just go and study? Akpos: What for? Ofego: You'll get good marks. Akpos: then? Ofego: You'll get good job. Akpos: then? Ofego: You'll have big house, new car. Akpos: So what after that? Ofego: After that you'll relax. Akpos: So what do u think i'm doing right now

While preparing for WAEC Ofego told Akpos to pay money so that he would see a native doctor. According to him once the exams commenced no one would be able to see them cheating. Akpos paid to him and when the exams commenced Akpos was whispering and urging Ofego to lead the way. Of course Ofego didn't do anything but when the pressure got too much he mustered courage and walked to the front of the hall, opened his bag brought out his book and strolled back to his seat. His confidence obviously confused the invigilator who assumed he had just gone to pick a pen. Immediately he sat down Akpos leapt to his feet and sauntered to the front of the class to get his notebook but this time the invigilator was watching closely and as he strolled back to his seat with his Book the invigilator screamed at him; "STOP! What do u want to use that book for? " Akpos turned in Suprise and asked; " Sir are you seeing me?

My Pastor finished the service one sunday by saying; "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17". The following Sunday, my pastor rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said; "Last week i asked you all to read Mark 17. If you read the chapter, please raise up your hand. Almost every hand in the church went up. Smiling, my pastor said; "You are the very people i want to talk about. Mark has only 16 chapters."

Akpos was being discharged from Yaba Mental Hospital after the doctors thought he was finally back to normal. They put him in an Ambulance to be taken back home. They took him to Omole Estate Phase 1, as he claimed that's where he lived. Just as they approached a certain house, 2 kids dressed in school uniforms came out of the house. Akpos screamed; "Those are my children, they are going to school". A minute later a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed; "That's my wife, she is late for work." This time the doctors were convinced Akpos was okay and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. As they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed; "That's me, i'm going to my office."

NIGERIA GIRL WATCHING NOLLYWOOD MOVIE. In the movie, Ramsey Noah is the step son of Patience Ozokwo (Mama G), Patience Ozokwo acted as a wicked woman. Patience Ozokwo's plan was to poison Ramsey Noah. After puttin d poison into a glass of juice, she kept it in d fridge. (Nigeria girl still watching) Nigeria girl: This woman is very wicked. In d movie: Suddenly, Ramsey Noah comes back from work. Nigeria Girl: (still watching) Ramsey please don't go to the kitchen. In d movie: Ramsey Noah enters inside the kitchen. Nigeria Girl: (still watching) Ramsey pls don't go near d fridge. In d movie: Ramsey Noah goes straight to d fridge. Nigeria Girl: (still watching) Ramsey please don't carry juice, just carry water and drink. Then go and sleep. In d movie: Ramsey Noah carries the juice, as he was about to drink the juice the glass fell down on d floor and breaks. Nigeria Girl (excited): THANK YOU JESUS!

A lady was walking pass a store where Akpos was working when Akpos said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the store again and Akpos once more said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and get Akpos arrested. The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure Akpos didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test Akpos. "Hey, lady!" Akpos said. "Yes?"She replied . . . . , , , , , , . . YOU KNOW, SAME OLD STORY".

A Pakistani boy was admitted in an American school. Teacher: What's your name? Boy: Azeez. Teacher: No, you're in America. From today, your name is Johnny. Boy went home. Mom: How was your day, Azeez? Boy: Mama, i'm an American, call me Johnny. Mom and Dad got offended and beats him up. The next day he is back to school-bruised. Teacher: What happened Johnny? Boy: Just 4 hours after i became an American, i was attacked by 2 Pakistanis.

THIS IS STOCK MARKET AND 419. There was a time in my village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for N5,000. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at N5,000 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at N8,000. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to N20,000 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!. The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at N100,000!. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at N75,000 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for N100,000." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!. Welcome to the "Stock" Market!.

I walked into a bank and saw Akpos causing comotion in the bank. I asked; What is his problem?. He replied; I came here trying to see the Manager but this bitches won't let me. Alas! The Manager walks in and said; Here i am, what can i do for you?. Akpos said; Ok, due to the insecurity, armed robbery and kidnapping in this country, i am here to deposit myself in the bank so that i will be safe.

Akpos got admitted into my village school, Atanatene Grammar School. The best school in my village. It was his first day in the school and an inspector of Education came visiting. The CRS teacher was in class telling us the story of DANIEL IN THE LION'S DEN when he sighted the principal and the inspector heading towards the class. The old and forgetful CRS teacher wrote GENESIS as the topic on the board without thinking. Class: Good mooooooorning sir, we are happy to see you sir. Inspector: Good morning class, i can see your teacher is telling you what happened in the book of genesis?. Class: Yeeeeeeeees sir!. Inspector (pointing to Akpos): Ok, you there, who killed Abel?. Akpos: Sir i don't know, i have been in the class since 8am, ask my friend Ofego, i didn't kill Abel sir. Inspector (angry): I said who killed Abel? Akpos: I am a christian, i don't kill. I don't even know this Abel you are talking about, is he in our class?. Inspector (Turning to the Teacher): Ok Teacher can you tell the class who killed Abel? Teacher (Knees down and open his hands wide): My son, How can you expect me to kill, what example will i be showing to my students if i kill a person?. Inspector (disappointed and turns to the principal): Ok class the principal will help to tell us who killed Abel. Mr principal, who killed Abel?. Principal: When you came to my office, didn't you see me there?. Inspector: Yes, i did!. Principal: Did you see blood stains in my hands?. Inspector: No!. Principal: How could i have killed Abel? Where is the proof that i did?. The whole class clapped for the principal.

A fat man saw an advertisement, "Lose 5kg In A Week." He called and said, "I would like to join!" Lady: Ok! Be ready tomorrow at 6 am. Next morning, he gets to the office and was taken to a room. He opens the door and finds a hot babe in only a shirt and underpants. She said, "if u catch me u can sleep with me!" The girl starts running. The man starts running after her but couldn't catch her. During the whole week, he tried to catch her but couldn't and lost 5kg. He then ask for the 10kg program. Next morning at 6am, he opens the door and finds a hotter babe in a bikini who said, "if you catch me, you sleep will with me." He lost 10kg that week. So, he thought this programme is awesome. He then requested a 25kg program. The lady said, "Are you sure? It's really tough!! "Why not!"..Said d man. The next day at 6am, he opens the door expecting to see a Unclad girl but finds a Unclad MAD MAN who said; "If I Catch U, I Will Sleep With You!!!!" That week, the man lost 40 kg.

Husband sent a text to his wife at night, “Hi I will get back home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite food before i return.” But there is no reply….. He then sent another text, “And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car” This time, She text back, “Oh My God, really?” Husband replied, : “No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

There was a guy who was so tired of reading his girlfriend's message because they are always I love you, I miss you or have you eaten? One night while lying on the bed, he received a text message from her. He didn't read it, instead he ignored it and slept off. In the morning, he got a call from his girlfriend's mom. She was crying while telling him that his girlfriend was killed that night she sent the text to him. He remembered the message and he read it... "Honey please come and help me, Someone is following me, I'm close to your street...please " MORAL : Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realise you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

One Sunday morning, my Pastor came and announced to the congregation: "Praise the Lord church. Today I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to build a new church." The congregation cheered, applauded and broke into a worship song. After everybody had calmed down, my Pastor continued: "The bad news however, is that the money is still in your pockets." There was deafening silence.

Akpos' next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Akpos' family to come over and see their new baby. Akpos' parents were very afraid their son would have a silly words to say about the baby. So, Akpos' dad had a long talk with Akpos before going to the neighbours house. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to beat you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Akpos. At the neighbour's house, Akpos leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at his mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Akpos' comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Akpos." Akpos then continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see clearly?" The mother who was a bit surprised, replied; "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has a good vision, why do you ask?" Akpos said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause i'm very sure he can't wear glasses.

A Jamaican man was making love to his wife for the 1st time. He screamed out suddenly; ''Ye man, Jah bless!'' And ran out of the room. He came back with a giant bucket of water and poured it on his wife's Kitty-Cat. His frightened wife shouted; ''Watta gwan, rasta man, what u do that for?.'' The man replied; Bomboclat woman, this thing too sweet, me gwan dilute it, remember me diabetic and sweet thing no good for me rasta man.

One day, Akpos complained to me; "Ofego, my elbow really hurts. I guess i should see a doctor." I told him; "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you will do about it. It will only cost you N5,000. Akpos figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited N5,000. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, it popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction, went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited N5,000. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti- fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

"Daddy," said Akpos, "I'd like to get married." "Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered Akpos. "Grandma. She’s nice" "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!" "Why not?" Akpos asked. "Did'nt You married mine?."

my friend is confused pls help... Many years ago when he was 23,he was married to a widow who was prety as could be,this widow had a grown up daughter and his father fell i luv wit her nd soon they also got married.......... ...................................:....................... .... This made his dad his son-inlaw and his daughter became his mother cos she became his father's wife ........................................................... ... He Soon had a son,the little baby became brother in-law to his dad cos his dad was married to its elder sister,,nd that made his baby his uncle nd it made him very sad.. .................................................... His father's wife then had a baby boy,the baby became his grand child cos it was his daughter's child,his wife became his step mother's mother,which made her his grand mother............ ................................................ If his wife is his grand mother,then he is her grand child,,..bt he is married to his grand mother that means he is his own grand pa..........now a thought of this drives him wild,what can he do

A Chinese man took a prostitute to his home and they started having sex. Once he was done, he jumped out of the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath then went under the bed and came out through the other side and started having sex with the girl again. When he finished the 2nd time, he jumped off the bed went to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and came out from the other side then started having sex again. He did these until the 8th time. The girl was really impressed by his stamina. After the 10ths round she decided to try it for herself. So she jumped off the bed, went to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and saw 10 more chinese men Unclad.

A man was sentenced 5 years in jail. After the jail term he went home and pleaded with the village head to call all villagers as he had something to say to them. The village head did likewise and the villagers gathered at an open space. The ex-convict then stood up with an axe in his hand and said; As you all know that l was in jail for 5 years, during my absence there is a man who took advantage of this situation and had a love affair with my wife. I have decided to go back to jail after l have killed this man" He said these words as he approached the crowd. Seven men stood up and started to run away. The man fainted upon seeing that among those running away was his father, younger brother, his two friends and the village head.

Akpos: I'm Hungary, Ofego: Why don't you Czech the fridge. Akpos: Ok Ofego, i'm Russian to the kitchen. Ofego: Hmmm! Maybe you'll find some Turkey. Akpos: Yeah! but it's all covered in Greece. yuck!. Ofego: There is Norway you can eat that. Akpos: I know, I guess i'll just have a can of Chile. Ofego: Denmark your name on the can. Akpos: Kenya do it for me?. Ofego: Ok, I'm Ghana do it. Akpos: Thanks Ofego! I'm so tired Iran for an hour today. Ofego: It Tokyo long enough. Akpos: Yes Ofego, Israelly hard sometimes.

A married couple at a Zoo, walks pass a gorilla enclosure. Wife: Honey, do u know that gorillas are d only animals which resemble men in their behaviour? Look, seeing dat no one is looking, I'll expose one of my bosoms to it & see how Hot it gets just like men do.' Wife then exposes one of her bosoms, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'You See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't, Men and gorillas are d same." Husband says: 'Now expose both bosoms and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both bosoms to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Husband says: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, was extremely excited, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Honey, what do i do now? Please, help me!' Husband replies: 'Now, tell him you are on ur period, u have a headache and u are not in the mood'. Let us see if Gorillas and Men are really the same.

WHY PARENTS SHOULD NOT TEXT. Mom: Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean? Son: I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later. Mom: It's ok, don't worry about it...I'll ask your Sister, Love you too. ***** Dad: Son, I have a Facebook account now...accept my friend request. Son: You're on Facebook now? WTF!!! Dad: What does WTF mean? Son: Ohhh...It means, Welcome To Facebook, Dad. ***** Mom: Son, your grandmother passed away an hour ago. LOL Son: How is that funny, mom? Mom: What do you mean, Peter...surely it is not funny! Son: Mom, LOL means: Laugh Out Loud! Mom: Oh, No! I thought it meant: Lots Of Love. I'll have to call everyone back and explain!

Akpos picked up a blackberry Z10 in a taxi. He checked through the contacts and found "MY number 2" then he called it and luckily the owner answered "Wow! Thank God! Where did you pick the phone" Akpos quickly interrupted "not so fast lady, please give me your address." "You want to bring the phone? Wow that's so nice of you. If only this country was full of good people like you..." Akpos interrupted "What nonsense are you saying? I want to come and collect the charger!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom."Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dickson, let's go."

Sitting outside his house after a divorce notice, a man had a crate of beer bottles. He took an empty bottle, smashed it on to a wall and said; ''You're the reason I don't have a wife''. He smashed the 2nd bottle, you're the reason I don't have children. He smashed the 3rd bottle, you're the reason I don't have a job. Noticing the 4th bottle was still full of beer he said; ''Stand aside my friend, you were not involved.

Teacher: "Kids tell me what your parents do for a living" . Ochuko: "My mom is a teacher and my dad is a mechanic". . Teacher:"Good" . Jennifer:"my mom is unemployed and my dad is a teacher" . Teacher:"good" . Akpos:"my mom is a prostitute and i don't know my dad" . Teacher:"Get out of my class and go to principal's office, and tell him what you just told me" . 10 minutes later Akpos returns smiling and eating an apple . Teacher:"Why are you smiling? Did you tell the principal what you told me?" . Akpos:"Yes I did" . Teacher:"What did he say?" . Akpos:"He just gave me an apple and asked me to give him my mom's phone number and address".

A baby was born so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. “Are you my doctor?” he asked. “Yes, I am,” said the doctor. The baby said: “Thank you for taking such a good care of me during birth.” Then, he looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes, I am,” said the mother. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,” he said. Then he looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father?” “Yes, I am,” his father answered. The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger many times saying, “I want you to know, THAT HURTS!”

Akpos was driving home late one night. His car front lights were no longer working so he was driving on the road at the back of a car whose front lights were working perfectly. All of a sudden the car in front stopped moving. Akpos waited for close to 10 minutes in his car but the car in front didn't move. Akpos shouted; Why did you stop, come on, keep driving. The man in the car shouted back; Should i keep driving in my own garage.

Akpos was on his way to school when he alighted at a bus stop where he was supposed to take a taxi to the school. AKPOS: How much is the fare to the campus? DRIVER: Two hundred naira. AKPOS: What about my load? DRIVER: I will take no money for that. AKPOS: Then take my load to the school I can walk.

Akpos attended a church service one Sunday. He sat beside a very ugly girl. While the pastor was preaching he said, "Tell the person seated next to you that he or she is beautiful" Akpos immediately stood up and the pastor said, "Where are you going?" Akpos replied, "I'm changing seat, do you want me to lie in the house of God?"

To surprise her husband, a company executive’s wife decided to stop by her husband's office. On entering the office, she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband's laps. In order to defend himself the husband said: “Budget cut or no budget cut, management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat.

Wife: Darling, give me your phone for a second. Husband: Wait, let me switch it on. Delete video. Delete picture. Delete music. Delete private folder Delete number. Delete sms. Delete out going calls. Delete incoming calls. Delete mms. Delete whatsapp. Delete bbm. Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete FORMAT Memory Card. Husband: Here you go honey, i have nothing to hide from you. Wife: I just want to check the time. Husband: Oh my God!

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese ". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same ," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

wow.........lovely i read everything tonite

nyc writeups

Welldone @shaxee, i see you...

uhmmm I tire o