My people! How una dey? Man still dey
America O dey pray Baba God make e put
wisdom for Oga Gmb head make e
come carry me komot for sufferhead for
America, I don tire for America, I wan be
Minister for something, anything, I don’t
care, minister for nothing sef! Di kain crase
wen dey America don tire me, America nor
go kill me, In Jesus Name! Na true na, Fela
say na different different naim dey! Na true
sha! This life enh, crase full am well well, in
fact enh, America crase nor get comparison,
dem don crase troway wrapper! Even sef
na dem discover how to crase. Na only fifty
years I don stay for America O so I never be
landlord here so man still nor dey
understand this people dem. The ting wen
dem dey do, I nor dey understand, their
shakara too much.
Where man go from start with America
wahala? Okay so last week my pikin school
call me. The useless oyinbo voice for phone
dey talk nonsense: “Sir, we would like to
have a conference with you to talk about
Omi (dat na Ominira my pikin). Omi is a
lovely girl, we love her African braids, and
she tells us all these wonderful stories
about Africa. Unfortunately her World
Studies teacher shared thatOmi did not
have a good day in school today!” Naim my
heart come dey pump like football, wetin
happen to my princess? “What happened,
ma’am? Was there a shooting? Kidnapping
nko? Is she okay? Where is my child?” “No
sir, nothing like that, she is fine now. Is
everything okay at home? Omi reported to
me that there was a food issue at home
and we would like to talk about it and
brainstorm ways we can prevent this from
happening next time.” Shuo, see me see
touble, una know wetin happen, my iyawo
Mama_di_girl buy me garden egg for
Chinese market, then e come grind
groundnut, put crayfish inside plus add
small pepper and atarodo, then come put
am for inside empty Jiffy Peanut Butter
pangolo (tin! olodo ajebutter!).
My people, wen you eat garden egg with
dat ting enh, chei e be like say your wife
give you winch chop, di ting sweet pass
congo meat, from dat day henceforth
nothing your wife do you wen go matter. If
una fight and somebody come separate the
fight, na that person deadbody una go take
settle for night! So, when I come back from
my gburu work for McDonalds restaurant, I
go take garden egg nack di ting for snack,
den put the pangolo back for inside fridge
make e dey cool until next time. Naim dis
one day dis my yeye pikin wen nor dey look
before e cross road come dey hungry for
peanut butter and jelly sandwich (PBJ).Dis
yeye pikin come spread my iyawo winch
ontop Wonder bread plus add jam. My
people, when pikin chop di concoction
come see wahala! Pikin come dey cry like
oyinbo pikin wen never eat garden egg
plus atarodo before! “Ewwww daddy! I
think I am going to die! This peanut butter
tastes awful! I feel awful, can we go to the
emergency room please?” I kneel down beg
dis yeye pikin O make e nor open my yansh
for market. I not go lie. I beg am mek e nor
tell anybody O but you know how American
children be; e put di matter for Facebook,
for Twitter and announce me for school.
Dem say next time wen di matter happen
again, dem go call police for my yansh. Dem
say na criminal offense to recycle Jiffy
Peanut butter pangolo with African stuff.
Na so we see am for America, oyinbo
people dey crase I tell you. Before dem cook
fish dem go troway all di better part – the
head, the tail, and di bone dem. The
nonsense wen remain, dem go call am fillet
of fish (filleh, NOT fillet! Idiot! You don fall
my hand again, last carrier olodo ajepako!)..
Then, dem go take the nonsense make fish
sandwich. Wetin fish dey do inside bread?
Wetin concern agbero with overload? Na so
last week, Mama_di_Girl come go market
buy fish for special ofensala, everything
correct, nothing miss for di fish body! Naim
Ominira just enter house O, come see fish
for kitchen dey salute am O! See wahala,
Ominira come dey shout, “OMG! OMG!!
OMG!!! Daddy! Daddy!! Look, the fish has a
head!!!” Di pikin dey carry phone wan call
im teacher again! That fish don cost me
sotay! So dat my olofofo pikin nor go go
report me to Police, Facebook, Twitter and
school, I don buy am shoe, dress, give am
allowance, buy am iPhone. She say she wan
car. All because dis pikin see fish wen get
head! My life don bend finish for America. I
go die O! I don dey pray for deliverance
from the demonic powers of America! Every
hand holding my destiny in America,
collapse and die! IJN!
