These conversations are not so sexy
but they are absolutely necessary if
you want to have an amazing s*x life
with your partner. According to author of herlifeinspired, couples
should always understand that communication
is key to any meaningful relationship, which is
why some conversations shouldn't be thrown
to the back seat.
These conversations are not so s*xy but they are absolutely necessary if you want to have
an amazing s*x life with your partner.
Here are a few of these important
conversations you should have with your
partner: (1) Talk about how you will share
household chores: After a day of playing the role of housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, and
businesswoman, sometimes I’m just too
exhausted to play the vixen in the bedroom
too. But how do we get our partners to
understand that a little help around the house
and with the kids would a go a long way in getting us in the mood? Dr. Tartt suggests
having a conversation about the division of
household chores. “When you have that conversation with men and they
understand the end game, I can’t tell
you how many men are cool with doing
chores,” says Dr. Tartt. “Because men are problem solvers. If you give us the
power to solve the problem, we’ll take
our daughters to girl scouts, we’ll drop
the kids off at choir rehearsal, we’ll do
whatever we need to do to get to the end
game.” TRY THIS: Talk to your partner about specific things that he can do to help out with
the kids and other household chores. Explain
that the shorter your to-do list, the more likely
you are to be in the mood for s*x. (2) Talk about your priorities: Being too tired is a huge reason that couples have less
sex. But Dr. Tartt says that shouldn’t be the
case. “We should not be too tired on a consistent basis to make love,” says Dr. Tartt. “If your relationship ends and you start
dating again, you are not going to use that
excuse with someone new. You’re going to
rise to the occasion.” (TRUTH!) He also says
that we need to put our relationships and our
families above our careers. “We have to set up our careers to actually give us a chance to
have enough energy to spend quality and
intimate time not only with our wives and
husbands, but with our kids, our friends, and
our families.” I promise when we die, we are
not going to say, ‘Man, I wish I would have put in another hour of overtime.’ ” TRY THIS: Talk about ways you might be able to limit the amount of hours that you work
or how you can alter your work schedule to
spend more time together. Dr. Tartt also says
we should schedule more romantic getaways
to an island destination, a bed and breakfast,
or a spa to change the culture and add excitement to the relationship. “It’s hard not to be in the mood in Hawaii,” says Dr. Tartt. (3) Talk about what relieves your
stress: Last week, we talked about how stress is a desire killer. We spend so much
time working, taking care of our kids and
everyone else that we don’t have anything left
to take care of ourselves. “We don’t even
have time to feel sexy. It becomes chore
number 10 in a day,” says Dr. Tartt. “That turns a lot of men and women off because
they realize it’s not something spontaneous, or
something that has a lot of energy or
excitement. It’s kinda like hurry up and get this
over with so I can get some rest.”
In addition to taking steps to decrease your stress level, there are also ways that your
partner can help you de-stress. Dr. Tartt
suggests having a conversation about what
relieves your stress. Do you need a few
minutes of quiet time when you get home?
Maybe you need to watch something funny, or take a shower. “If we’re not on the same page
and you try to initiate lovemaking before I’m
ready, you can see how that can lead to a
sense of rejection, where if you just waited 15
more minutes… we’re good,” explains Dr.
Tartt. TRY THIS: Have a conversation about what helps you relax. Is it a shoulder or foot rub, or
maybe it’s enjoying a quiet cup of coffee
before your day begins. Together you can
come up with ways to add these de-stressors
to your daily routine. Also, try carving out a
few minutes each day to “do you” even if it’s just some quiet time in the bathroom. Once I
was so desperate for some alone time that I
actually hid under my bed! (4) Talk about what stimulates you: Earlier, I mentioned that s*x starts in the mind.
And most times a thoughtful gesture like a
“thinking about you” text, an unexpected phone
call during the day, or a gentle touch when you
get home are all simple romantic gestures that
get your mind in the mood for sex. Dr. Tartt believes it is very important to let your partner
know how this type of foreplay stimulates you.
“If there’s foreplay before you get into the actual act, that would make a lot of
women and men ready, or “ready-er”
because you are speaking the same
love language,” explains Dr. Tartt. TRY THIS: Dr. Tartt suggests that you have a conversation to rate where you are in terms
of intimacy and satisfaction on a scale of 1 to
10. Talk about things you would like to do and
what you need to stay stimulated and
interested in the relationship. Dr. Tartt says
you should have this conversation every 90 days. (5) Talk about your fantasies: According to Dr. Tartt, research shows that the average
person has a new erotic fantasy every 90
days. You and your partner need to be able to
communicate openly about your deepest
fantasies and desires or they might end up
being shared with someone else. “When you see people having affairs and on
facebook doing certain things, it’s not
because they’re bad people, it’s
because they’re searching for their new
fantasy,” says Dr. Tartt. “If they don’t feel like they can talk to their partner, if they
don’t have that open language, you can
see how that can become a
problem.” (Dr. Tartt dropped so many jewels on this subject, I’ll have to share them with you
in another post!) Talking specifically about
what turns you on, understanding each other’s
love language, and experimenting with new
things can be enough to evoke new excitement
into the relationship. TRY THIS: Dr. Tartt recommends getting a copy of the book, What Makes Love Last. The
book has a list of questions that will encourage
you and your partner to really talk about what
you like and what you need to keep you
sexually satisfied. The book asks questions
like: Would you like for me to touch you more slowly or faster? What type of foreplay do you
like best? What doesn’t work for you? “When
we start asking those types of questions, then
we know what to do,” says Dr. Tartt. “But how
many couples talk like that?” I know we don’t,
do you? But then I was curious to know what to do if
you partner isn’t interested in trying anything
new. Or what if it’s you that believes it is too
freaky and taboo to indulge in these sorts of
things? Then what? Dr. Tartt says it’s all in
how you approach the conversation. “When you say, ‘Hey, would you rather me tell you
how I feel, or would you rather I keep secrets
from you?’ he or she will say ‘No, I don’t want
you to keep secrets, I want you to keep it real.’
“ Dr. Tartt continues, “Then you’re able to talk
about it as a couple.” Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to keep doing things the
same old way or if you are open to trying
something new and different. Even if you don’t
agree, at least the subject will be out in the
open. “It’s not what you talk about that is going
to kill your relationship…it’s what you don’t talk about,” says Dr. Tartt. Wow! Let’s read that
again—It’s not what you talk about that is going
to kill your relationship…it’s what you don’t talk
about. (6) Talk Minus Technology: Between the TV, the iPad, and our smart phones in the
bedroom, I feel like technology has become
the third person in our relationship. You too?
Surely this behavior can’t be helping our sex
lives or our relationships. Dr. Tartt agrees that
time spent on technology is time spent actively ignoring time to connect with our partners. “When we have this habit of spending
more time with our phones and work and
emails than one another, you are setting
your partner up to get real human
interaction somewhere else,” Dr. Tartt says. TRY THIS: Dr. Tartt recommends setting aside 30 minutes each day to unplug and
spend time lovemapping with your partner.
What is lovemapping you ask? My new
favorite word! I just like saying it. It’s so
intriguing, isn’t it? Ok, so back to the definition.
Dr. Tartt says, “Love mapping is what you did when you first met—you would email, you would
call on your lunch hour, you would ask about
dreams, places he wanted to travel, funniest
moments—all those early conversations in the
relationship,” explains Dr. Tartt. “The research shows that you must continue
to have those conversations regularly
to keep the relationship connected.” But after so many years together, I feel like I’ve
heard all the stories and know just about
everything about him, right? Wrong. Dr. Tartt
explained that over the years, ambitions
change, dreams change, and the answer to
the questions that I knew years ago might have a different answer today. “There are a lot
of couples where their best friend knows more
about them than their husbands or wives,”
says Dr. Tartt. “Why? Because they are not talking like this—which is why you
hear couples say, ‘I love you but I don’t
feel like I know you.’ “ We stop talking to our partners and don’t realize that what they
want in life has changed as they have evolved.
Talk about how to validate each other: How
often does your partner compliment you or
thank you for supporting him? Probably not
enough according to Dr. Tartt. “This is the main thing that men do not do enough.” Dr.
Tartt says, “We have to share fondness and
admiration verbally, we have to compliment our
wives.” Men need to be validated as well. “The number one complaint from men is that
they feel underappreciated in their
relationships,” says Dr. Tartt. Both men and women need to hear how they
are loved and appreciated in order to feel good
about the relationship. On a personal note,
about a year or so ago, I decided to stop
focusing on what my husband did that got on
my nerves and focus all my attention on all of the things that I loved about him. Turns out that
list more than outweighed the things that
annoyed me. And when I focused on what I
loved, I felt closer to him and more attracted to
him. And because I was more attracted to him,
he was more attracted to me. Choosing to view him through a different lens and letting him
know how much I appreciate him has definitely
make our relationship stronger. TRY THIS: Have a conversation about how important it is to fill each other’s buckets with
compliments and kind words on a regular
basis. Make an effort to compliment or thank
your partner for at least one thing every day. (7) Talk about other reasons that you
might not be in the mood for s*x: If you’ve tried all of the above and you or your partner
are still not in the mood for sex, something else
might be going on. While it can be tough to
have an honest conversation that might lead to
hurt feelings, Dr. Tartt says you should try the
5:1 ratio approach to ease into a difficult topic. “For every negative, there has to be 5
positives,” says Dr. Tartt. “So you could say, ‘Hey, you do a great job with the kids, you
make sure that I’m taken care of, our home is
a place of peace, you’re a life coach for my
dreams, I appreciated the time we spend
together. But something that’s important to me
is fitness and health and one of the things that would take my physical attraction to you from
a 9 to a 10 (notice I said from a 9 to a 10) is if
you could take off a little weight. And then you
can tell me where I am body wise.’ “ Couples
that stay together have these kinds of real
conversations. “But if you’re not talking about it, you can’t fix it,” says Dr. Tartt.
A dip in you or your partner’s libido does not
mean you aren’t still attracted to each other.
Unbeknownst to you, there are health issues
that could be putting a damper on your desire.
Lack of sex drive is a side effect for many medications that treat pre-existing health
conditions like depression, diabetes, and high
blood pressure. TRY THIS: Have a conversation about what’s really causing you or your partner not to
want s*x. Talk to your gynecologist about any
discomfort or changes in your body and your
low libido. Make sure your partner does the
same. Once you are sure that it’s not a
biological issue, seek the help of a therapist to get to the root of what’s really going on. “Couples have this idea that they are
going to be blamed or made to feel like
they’re doing something wrong,” explains Dr. Tartt. “Couples therapists don’t take sides. You come in as a team and we
talk about how to build up the team.”
