[b]Method Three of Three:
Talking to Your Spouse [/b]
[b]1
Be patient.
[/b]
Your spouse may not be ready to confess that they are having an affair. Recognize that you cannot force them to confess. [19]Often your spouse will deny they are having an affair many times before they confess to actually engaging in one, especially if you do not present them with hard evidence of their infidelity.
[b]2
Use a soft approach.
[/b]
Even though you’re angry and upset about your partner’s infidelity, always be gentle when making inquiries about their habits which may reveal they are having an affair. Adopt a non-accusatory tone of voice and do not yell. Sit when asking them questions and do not stand over them. Do not become aggressive or engage in physical violence. Even if they become angry at you for being “suspicious,” do not respond with anger. Adopt non-threatening body language by keeping your hands in your lap or at your sides. Do not cross your arms or put your hands on your hips when asking probing questions.
[b]3
Ask probing questions.[/b]
There are many questions you can ask your spouse to discover if they might be engaged in an affair. Instead of asking or accusing them outright, ask questions about their whereabouts or habits to make them accidentally reveal they have lied. One technique involves utilizing the Volatile Conundrum. This means putting the potential cheater in a position where they have to make a snap decision about their behavior or whereabouts.
[b]*.For instance, if your partner says he or she was at the batting cage with friends before coming home, you might reply that your friend was at the batting cage as well and reported that it closed early due to a broken water main. Even though this is untrue, your spouse will have to agree or disagree with this version of events, giving you the opportunity to later fact-check his or her rely.
*.More general probing questions might explore why your spouse has changed his or her habits, appearance, or schedule. For instance, you might ask:
*.“Why have your hours changed at the office?”
*.“What made you want to dye your hair?”
*.”Why did you decide to lose weight?”
*.”Who was on the phone?”[/b]
[b]4
Become a lie detector.[/b]
If your spouse offers long, overly-complex answers with abundant detail, or fidgets and squirms during the conversation, they may be lying to you. Liars also tend to present stories which are inconsistent or illogical. By asking the same question in different ways over a long period and looking for changes in their explanations, you might be able to determine if your spouse is cheating. For example, you might ask “Why did your work hours change?” Record your partner’s answer surreptitiously, then ask a similar question 7-10 days later, such as “Why are you working so late these days?” Finally, a lying spouse will exhibit microexpressions, very brief (1/25th of a second) facial expressions belying their guilt, fear, or surprise at being suspected of cheating.[/b]
[b]5
Ask directly.[/b]
If you are still having a hard time determining if your spouse is cheating on you, take a more direct approach. Most will lie, but some will tell the truth. Liars tend to offer long, overly-complex answers, fidget or squirm uneasily, and will insert more interjections like “um” or “ah” into their replies. If your spouse reacts with anger or irritation, they might be lying to you,
[b]
*.Be honest. If you have information which conclusively establishes that they are having an affair, present it. Do not dance around the subject or suggest indirectly that you suspect they are having an affair.
*.There is no perfectly accurate measure for detecting a lie. Everyone has different “tells,” the unique characteristics they display when lying.[/b]