Getting married is simple. It’s a no
brainer. People do it all the time. But to
stay in marriage? That’s where the real
work starts.
Everyday, people get married, take
spectacular and glossy pictures at beautiful
weddings with incredible cakes only to
announce a divorce later.
In the United States alone, about 50% of
marriages end up hitting the rocks and as
you are reading this, some are already
throwing their wedding rings into the River
Nile. Why? What are the marriage mistakes
you should not make? How can you make
sure your marriage does not only work, stay
intact but also gives you the joy and
happiness you’d imagined before saying ‘I
do’? i have brought you this special
marriage-themed piece. How about calling
your better half and reading it together?
Ready? Let’s roll!
1. DO NOT ASSUME
Okay, this is one thing both parties are
guilty of. Many assume too much! He assume
she knows. She assumes too. And that’s
where the trouble starts. Fine, you’ve dated
for a while and it seems like you’ve known
yourselves for all of eternity. But wake up,
you don’t! You are still discovering and
rediscovering many things. Communicate
with your partner. Let him know you are not
enjoying the s*x. Let her know you are not
too comfortable with her shabbiness and
gossip. But if you are getting married to
Linda Ikeji, you need to love the gossip
part. I do! Communicate. Talk. Discuss. Gist.
Carefully and reasonably. Especially when it
comes to money, s*x, retirement and your
religious beliefs (and maybe inlaws). Never
assume. It can be dangerous. If you will be
having a mood swing, talk.
2. TALK USING THE RIGHT VOICE
TONE -OR KEEP QUIET
Remember the last time your dad scowled at
you for sneaking to a high school party? The
tone of his angry words, right? Very
unpleasant. Human vocalization is a very
tremendous aspect of communication but
many couples seem to forget this and shout,
hurl insults, abuses and criticisms at their
partners. You see their eyes as red as the
embers of Hell. Remember that it is not
always what you say that matters but HOW
you say it. When angry and you know the
next words will not be nice, keep quiet.
Always taste your words before you spit
them out. Let your Lover see a smiling face
when she thinks of you and not a frowning
face with the voice of an armed robber.
Okay, that makes 2.
3. NEGLECTING s*x
I cannot emphasize how dangerous this can
be. One of the luxuries of marriage is
having unfettered enjoyment and cruise on
the intimate highway. (Coughs) Neglecting
s*x does not necessarily mean you are
declining his offers. It can also mean you
are not taking good care of yourself
anymore. Now you look dirty, unwashed and
smelling your armpit is suicide. How can
there be any pre-intimacy like that? Take
time to look good. Groom yourself biko.
Especially if you are lady (I’m not saying
guys should now start looking like
bricklayers or mechanics, shoye (you
understand)?). The body and looks you had
at 21 will not be the same at 35 if you
decide to look like a housegirl rather than a
Mrs. Tidy yourself up. As they say in
Nigeria, it is all about packaging.
4. FORGETTING TO CHERISH EACH
OTHER
In this fast-paced world of jobs and stress,
it’s quite easy to start losing that special
touch you once had during the olomoge
(when you were much younger) days.
Particularly when the kids have come and
you are now battling with the
responsibilities of a parent. She now has
stretch marks, jowls of fat, varicose veins
and he is already greying with a potbelly.
You both look pitiful. That is when you need
to start working on it again. A good
marriage does not sustain itself. It needs
WORK -from both parties. Cherish
yourselves, go out for dinners, tour the
park, flirt, tease, laugh, play games, watch
movies, serve food in bed, hold hands, listen
to your partner, watch old pictures and
spend the entire day together. Bring back
the charm. Age is but a number.
5. NOT GETTING PREPARED FOR
CHALLENGES
Marriage is not going to be all sweet. That
is why it is not called the honeymoon. But it
is not an eclipse either. A stage will come
when you will just feel overwhelmed,
disenchanted, caged or even frustrated with
either your partner or the new experience.
Did you know that even after years of
marriage, Barack and Michelle Obama
actually once considered divorce? Michelle
was prepared to sign the divorce papers.
Her mind was made up. She was tired. He
was also disenchanted. But they managed to
rekindle the love again and you and I know
better now. What I’m saying is this:
marriage is not always a bed of roses (even
roses have thorns, shey?), be tough and
ready your mind for all kinds of obstacles.
But just know one thing: you will conquer.
Just like millions across the globe.
6. NAG. NAG. AND WHAT? NAG.
Oh! He has left his smelly socks on the bed
again and has refused to flush the toilet.
She has not stopped accusing you of being
too close to your secretary. We all nag. But
if you want your marriage to last longer
than the fireworks you used during the
wedding night, minimize nagging. It is
killing. Try your best to pass your complains
in a very civilized and understandable way.
If he or she fails to get it, register your
displeasure while not losing your cool. Do
not make him feel like he has committed
more evil than Adolf Hitler and Abacha
combined simply because he has dumped his
dirty clothes in one corner of the bedroom -
again.
7. TAKING YOUR PARTNER FOR
GRANTED
Well, you are now married, right? She can’t
leave you again and he is now your man
forever, abi? You are wrong. She can leave
you in the blink of an eye and he can marry
someone else faster than you can ping or
spell your name. It is very easy for couples
to become relaxed (only if people can put
just half of the efforts they put into their
classy weddings into their marriages) and
start taking one another for granted.
Appreciate the little things. A marriage is a
garden. If watered and tendered regularly,
you enjoy the view and you will see the
flowers bloom. Neglect it and pests and
weeds take over. Say thank you even if what
she bought for you was a toothbrush. Say
thank you and mean it. Tell her she’s
beautiful. Adjust her dress (or bra straps,
comot there!) for her (forget the fact
you’ve been married for 20 years) and tell
him he looks good (even though he can look
like a plumber atimes…lol!). Never take your
partner for granted. Leave Twitter and chat
with him. Forget Facebook for now and do
not take anything else above your partner.
Not even your friends. Or kids.
8. CRITICIZE AND COMPARE.
Good. He doesn’t make enough money. He
doesn’t have a good job. There are better
men (stop thinking of Paddy Adenuga, will
you!) out there who are more ‘manly’ and
‘care’ for their families. Nice, She’s a lousy
wife. Spoilt brat. Bad mother. Worst cook in
the Universe. Romantically dead. She has
poisoned the soup with too much iru (locust
beans)and salt again. Ha! Whew! If you want
to see your marriage die before your very
eyes, just keep doing this everyday:
criticizing and comparing. Tell him you made
the worst mistake of your life marrying the
bald-headed, good-for-nothing, penniless
wrench. Tell her that you didn’t know what
you were thinking when you walked her down
the altar (or is aisle?). You are only digging
the grave of your matrimonial home. Desist
from bitter criticisms and never compare
your spouse with anyone (not even _______
_fill in the gap yourself!). Correct with love.
With affection. With smiles. No one is
perfect -and that includes you and your
spouse. Do not listen to reply instantly,
listen to understand. Then give kind and
reassuring replies.
9. KEEPING MALICE AND BRINGING UP
DEAD ISSUES.
Allllllllright. She told you of her dirty past
on the campus and how she was coaxed into
having an abortion with her former lover,
right? You don’t have to tongue lash her
every now and then about that. The past is
gone, let it remain there. That your lover
told you something dark and shameful about
his or her past reflects the amount of trust,
respect, love and confidence reposed in you,
do not betray it. And is it not senseless to
you to keep malice with your wife for days?
Spit it out, carefully. Let her know she hurt
you and not kill her with your stoic silence,
ignoring her well-cooked meals (who do you
think you are punishing turning down that
spicy nkwobi soup? Shior!) -and those
wicked moustache-flavoured looks of yours
behind the newspaper. It is painful. And
yeah, the kids don’t like it too either.
10. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF MADNESS
(PDM)
Cruising to the market, you saw your
husband, with a pretty damsel in his car.
Next thing, you park on the wrong side of
the road, did not even switch off the
engine, left the keys dangling, re-tie your
wrapper, remove the tapanpa (special
colorful headgear used by Nigerian women)
you took three hours to make and off flew
your shoes! The next sound was the stinging
slap you landed on her face (thank your
stars if she’s not a female soldier with the
Nigerian Army). You just concluded she’s
been sleeping with your Prince Charming.
Calm down Madam. Such acts will only make
you lose value before the very person you
are fighting for. Passersby will be thinking
‘abi were ni woman yii ni (has this woman
gone crazy)? ‘If there is anything you find
suspicious, discuss with him, he is your
husband and you are his wife. Wife. Not
mistress (be his mistress on the bed sha).
You too, never insult her in public (or
private) or do disgraceful things in the full
glare of everyone (falling into gutters after
getting stone drunk). Respect yourself and
your marriage always (do not be the
busybody of the adugbo (neighborhood)).
The marital union is sacred. Do not stifle
your matrimony to death with incurable
insecurity and peppery jealousy.
11. WITHOLDING s*x OR MAKING A
MESS OF IT
For what? Before you do that, just
remember that it is now cheaper than pure
water. You don’t have to punish yourselves
over your imperfections. You can still have
the intercourse and still frown your face
abi….lmao! Do not use s*x as a weapon of
terror, tyranny and dictatorship in a
marriage (you be Mobutu ni?), you will only
end up burning yourself. Spoil yourselves
with s*x and if there is anything you will be
very generous with, let it be those acrobatic
displays in the middle of the night. Shhhhh!
We are talking of married couples. Have a
fantastic s*x life, be adventurous. Read
books, see your doctor, learn, use all tips
and techniques to ensure you really reach
heaven right here on earth. Make it real fun
-and not on the bed ALL the time. And do
not be selfish, you know what I mean. If
you don’t, go and get married jooor.
12. ALWAYS RIGHT, EXTREMELY
STUBBORN AND NEVER SAYS SORRY
If you have any or all of these satanic
traits, your marriage stands a high risk of
falling apart unless you are married to
Mahatma Gandhi. Ok, or Nelson Mandela.
You are not always right, accept your
mistakes when you are wrong and agree for
the sake of peace. Afterall, no one pays you
for arguments. You only end up losing your
voice and writing your name in his bad
books. There is one thing my Partner and I
practice: we never look at who is wrong but
WHAT is wrong. You can also try that out
instead of accusing each other and trading
blames as if you are on the floor of the
Nigerian Stock Exchange. Always respect
individual opinions on various subjects
instead of telling her to shut the hell up. I
need to shut up now. Like she’s coming…
